Thursday, November 20, 2008

Tales from the Relationship Crypt or “Gawd, I can’t believe I was that DUMB!”: Episode 1

Okay. Since y’all asked nice I will oblige. This post will start the series Tales from the Relationship Crypt or “Gawd, I can’t believe I was that DUMB!”

Who to start with? Hmmmm… tough decision. I think I will start with G.M. The nonsense that went on with this sniglet was ri-gatdang-diculous. And it wasn’t entirely my fault. Okay, yes it was. I violated a cardinal rule. I didn’t listen to my woman’s intuition.

Story time babies… gather round the story mat.

So right after I graduated from college, I moved to St. Louis, MO to teach high school science with Teach for America. I was a new girl in a new city and the only friends I had were my fellow TFAers. And they were mostly female. I was young, cute and gainfully employed. There was no reason for my ass to be sitting at home waiting for life to happen to me.

Anyway, it was a couple of days before one of my friends’ birthdays. I went to the local Sam’s Club to get a cake to share with our track girls (she coached running, I coached field events). As I was walking around the store, I noticed this guy noticing me. But wasn’t typical noticing. It seemed like every aisle I went down, there he was smiling in my face, but not initiating conversation. I thought it was a little creepy, but he was FOINE, so I dismissed that initial knot in my stomach. I mean he was a 6’3” tall drink of caramel deliciousness with broad shoulders and locks that flowed down his back. I mean… DAMN.

Well, its nice to be admired, but if you ain’t talking, I ain’t got time. So I headed to the check out with my full cart. Imagine my surprise when I walked outside and there he was, waiting for me. Once again, ignoring that little knot in my tummy that said “stranger danger”. So he finally chats me up. In this first conversation I should have known this was a bad idea. He revealed the following information via these phrases:
"I’m here shopping with my mother” TRANSLATION “I live with my mother – and I’m over 30”
“I just got back into town from Houston. I’m into various things to pay bills” TRANSLATION “I’m running from my past and I don’t have a real job”
“I’m looking for an adult situation, I’m tired of games” TRANSLATION “I just want to hit, you got some nice knockers”

I gave him my number (stupid, stupid, stupid) and he said he would call later that night. Then this fool had the nerve to NOT HELP ME WITH MY HEAVY CART OF GROCERIES. Once again, ignored the knot in my stomach.

He called and we chatted some more. In this conversation I found out that he had a baby momma, that said baby momma had had a train run on her (whether it was before, during or after him, I am still not certain) and that he hasn’t seen his child since he left Houston six months prior to our meeting. THIS MEANT HE WAS A SUCKY FATHER, AND POSSIBLY WAS CARRYING VARIOUS STI’s. He wanted to come hang out with me (not take me on an actual date--- do you see all these damn red flags?!?). Oh wait, but I had to pick him up because he didn’t have access to a car. (I found out later his license had been suspended for a DUI). I even cooked for this ninja. We hung out a couple of times and I even took him to my homegirl’s Christmas party as my date. Everyone was oohing and ahhing over how delicious he looked and how nice he was.
Interestingly enough, before I left to go get him for the party my mother (who is definitely my angel on Earth) called me and said she just felt the need to pray a prayer of protection over me. She wasn’t sure exactly why. I’m sure The Spirit spoke to her and warned her I was about to get into some potentially dangerous nonsense.
So of course, after the party, he starts laying the mack down on me in my car. By the time we got up to my apt, we were both half dressed.

I could have stopped it there. I SHOULD have stopped it there. But ummmm… his oral game was on point and I hadn’t had any since I graduated. We did the do and he spent the night. Of course, the next morning, I had to drive his ass back home, then come home and pack to fly home for the holidays.

That morning was the last time I heard from or saw this ninja. He straight fell off the grid. All of a sudden, his cell was going straight to voicemail, he wasn’t returning my messages. I even called him to wish him a Merry Christmas, and he ain’t call me back.

I was hurt because I felt used and cheap. But oh… its gets better.

So I come back to work after the holidays. We had a permanent sub in the classroom next to mine because the little hoodlums had finally driven the white teacher that was there insane. I mean, they stole her keys and took her car out the parking lot, and then crashed it. So, permasub tells me how over the Christmas break she met this guy who was tall, fine, caramel with locks, etc. I raise an eyebrow and ask his name. “Oh his name is G. and he lives over on Natural Bridge and Page.” ‘SCUSEMESAYHUHWHATNAH?!! Now, I’m not even close to claiming to be the finest thing on the planet but I am DEFINTELY cuter than this chick. I mean, just… way cuter (God, forgive my ego, but tell the truth and shame the devil).

So yeah, she continues to describe with relish her sexual escapades with this fool while I make a mental note to go see my ob/gyn ASAP (luckily I was clean—mom’s prayers saved me, I’m sure!).

I say, “Oh really? Hmmm… he sounds nice. So does he do that trick with his tongue where he…?” The look on her face was PRICELESS.

For the rest of the year, chick made a point to talk about him around me fronting like they were still seeing each other. I knew that he had probably played her too, and she was just trying to save face. I felt sorry for her.

I saw him again a year later at my favorite used record store. He came over to say hi, and I suppose, apologize. I acted like I could see right through him and couldn’t hear anything. I wonder if his trifling-ness has caught up with him yet…



NaturallyAlise said...

I have been this dumb repeatedly, and I can't even blame age, because I have ignored my intuition numerous times, and I have even had the akward situation like yours where I work with or end up befriending one of my loser's conquests.... Jesus please be a red flag revealer in my life.

Almost Doc said...

"I mean he was a 6’3” tall drink of caramel deliciousness with broad shoulders and locks that flowed down his back. I mean… DAMN."

see, now i would forego ALL my woman's intuition for a taste of this here! but im still young, though! lol

ps. its me, shatani!

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

WOWWWWWW. Homeboy was wacktastic!! Cant wait to read the rest of ur tales. Keep em coming, BBMo!

Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual said...

you know dear hearts... writing this story reminded my why i love my husband.

errytime we get into a spat, i'ma re-read these tales to myself.

Lil Honey B said...

So real, so raw. What every girl has been through but not every girl wants to tell about it. Big ups.

Anonymous said...

Love this blog...Even as a man, We are dumb...act dumb, do dumb, y'all know...but this is deep and kinda is a "go girl"....

suga said...

I love your stories. please know that most women do thsi type od crap. Its great to be able to talk about it and laugh with others. I know I got some stories...whoo chile, I'm laughin at myself just thinking about my early 20s