Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Self Therapy Time


Alright... for those of you who follow me (thanks bunches by the way ***Diva Dust (tm) to ALL of you, including those who just stopped by***) I know you were expecting episode II of Tales from the Relationship Crypt. And it shall be posted. It has been written, but something sparked the need for me to post this first.

Funnily enough it might give you insight into why I have a Relationship Crypt (eff a closet, I needed a CRYPT) in the first place.

Over at my now second home on the web VSB.com, a comment thread started where there was discussion about guys sending their friends over to holler, rather than coming over themselves. For most people on there, it was a source of hilarity. For me, however, it kind of opened up some darker memories in my mind.

Let me explain.

The happy-go-lucky, confident (most times), sunshiney, smiling person that is me did not always exist. Ya girl had major self esteem issues back in the day. Matter of fact, they still rear their ugly head from time to time.

These stem from a combination of the fact that I never went to a school where the other girls looked like me-- I always stood out and was thus often mocked-- and that I was (and still PRODULY am a nerd). I am Black. I'm a dark skinned. I am a big (yet quite well proportioned and fit) girl. I looked nothing like my skinny 2520 classmates. This was my environment for my ENTIRE life between kindergarten and 12th grade. Add to this puberty and clinical depression... it was not a pretty picture AT ALL. My mom had me on suicide watch for a couple of months after she found one of her steak knives under my bed. It wasn't until I went to college and met women who looked like me (even though we were still the minority) that I began to 'grow into myself'

So as you can imagine, guys and the thought of dating was a scary place for me. I didn't think anyone had any reason to want me. The world around me (outside of my parents, but they're supposed to say that stuff) didn't tell me that either. Add to that kids are cruel and will have fun at someone's expense gleefully. I didn't trust people.

Okay, so now you have the back story.

Around the time when I was open to meeting people (going to parties, clubs-- being a college student), I ran into this phenomenon of guys sending their friends to talk to me for them. This summarily upset me, and they would never know why their actions evoked such wrath. In short, I thought they were mocking me. I mean, if he was truly interested, why didn't he come up to me himself? Why did he have to send someone to talk to me for him? Was he going to fake interest in order to have a good laugh with his buddies at my expense? All of these things would rush through my head, and there were a couple of jerk-offs for whom my assumptions were correct. The rest of these (possibly nice, shy) guys got the royal cuss out, which sometimes earned me the b***h moniker-- but they never really knew why this was.

Fast forward to college graduation and the prospect of meeting MORE people in my new city and place of employment. I had resolved to be open and had many self-affirmations floating about in my head. I bled confidence and sex appeal because I MADE MYSELF DO SO. I was still a shy and insecure girl. Its just that after a few psych classes, some awesome friends and a couple of nice guys who were NOT jerks, that I was able to work through the shyness and insecurity.

However, I had not yet developed a Bullshit Filter as I possess now. And hence, the Relationship Crypt.

Just thought I'd share a piece of my soul. Hope yall don't mind.


Anonymous said...

Self therapy is always needed!!! LOL...mental physical and beyond...keep doing you!

NaturallyAlise said...

It is so great that you ccan pinpoint the things that made you the way you were and find ways to get through/over/around them, that is quite a skill....