Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tales from the Relationship Crypt-Episode II: Whatever you like...

Gather round chilluns... its time once again to share my foolishness for the edification and upliftment of single peoples everywhere.

Time for... Tales from the Relationship Crypt Episode II: Whatever u like...

I have always had a penchant for older men. In fact, my mate is the third youngest person I have been with in my 'adult' relationship life, and he's still got 4 years on me.

Older men tend to me more settled, accomplished, and looking for a nice pretty young thing to wife and knock up... usually. They also tend to come with baggage like ex-wives and children that are old enough to be your siblings.

I met a gentleman who had all of these things going on, except for one crucial element. The ex-wife wasn't an ex, yet. Oh the h3ll that I caught for this one...

I met P.P. while I was teaching in St. Louis (noticing a theme here? lotsa foolishness happened there, prally why I hightailed it out of that city). I was the assistant girls volleyball coach for the school I was teaching and an he was the girls volleyball coach for another high school in the city. We first met at the Saturday season-opening tournament. We had all day to notice each other, casually walk by each other, shake hands when our teams played each other... and when our teams were not playing, we talked. He was so nice. And for an older guy he was exceptionally good-looking. Well built, well groomed, worked out often, and very nicely dressed. On top of all that he was cultured, refined and a true gentleman. He was a history teacher. In the span of a couple of hours we had spoken on politics, art, history, books... yeah, I was feeling this one. And there was NO WEDDING RING.

At the end of the tourney, when we had gotten all our girls on their busses home, he helped me carry my equipment to my car, and loaded it all in for me. We had gotten a light dusting of snow, so he started my car and cleaned the snow off while I sat inside getting toasty. I was floating, and he hadn't even touched me yet.

We exchanged info and he called me the next day. We talked and right off the bat he told me that he had to be "honest" with me. He was "recently divorced" and had two children that were fairly close to my age. He wanted to know if I was okay with this because he was very interested in seeing more of me. Since he came right out and told me the truth, I said I could deal if we took it slow and kept it casual. He was fine with that and proposed taking me out to see a production of the King and I and then dinner at the Millennium Hotel. I thought it was a fabulous idea.

He took me out and showed me a wonderful time. He was every inch a gentleman and at the end of the night, he asked if he could kiss me goodnight. I happily obliged.

After that we saw each other often, but we weren't seriously dating. Since he had just gotten out of a marriage, he was more interested in just spending time in the company of a young lady who he could treat nicely. I couldn't argue with that, but I unconsciously stopped dating other people. We saw each other at games when our team played each other, we would meet for dinner or drinks... just casual.

Our contacts continued through spring into the summer months. He would bring me take out for dinner and a classic flick, bought me small thoughtful trinkets and even bought me some nice earrings for my birthday. One weekend, he asked if he could take me out to the Lake of the Ozarks (St. Louis' best excuse for a beach-- gawd how I missed the ocean when I was living there). There was a resort there and he wanted some company. I thought... sure, why not. When he came to pick me up, he said he had a gift for me. He opened his trunk and in it was a Louis V duffel. He said this would be better than my little black wheely bag that was admittedly beaten to death from frequent use. I was floored. I had NEVER had someone treat me like this.

We had a loverly time that weekend. However, drama ensued the moment we came back.

My apt had street and gated parking. I normally park in the gated lot, but I had left my car on the street over the weekend. When he dropped me off, I saw that my tail light had been busted out. I freaked because I thought someone had tried to steal my car. But then I wondered, why would anyone want to steal a Galant with 2 BMW's and a Mercedes parked on the same block? My gentleman friend offered to pay to have the light fixed. I thought he was being so thoughtful. I should have known his conscience was getting the better of him.

When I got inside, I checked my voicemail... 2 messages from the 'rents, 3 from girlfriends and 2 messages that were 'unidentifed.' Nothing out of the ordinary... or so I thought. Then my phone rang.

Me "Hello?"
Caller " Is P. there?"
Me "um, nooo... can I help you? And who are you?"
Caller "This is P's wife, ho!"
Me "I'm sorry.... wife? And DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HO?!?!"
Angry Wife "Yes. He is my husband and you are the HO he's messin with"
Me " Okay. Um, name calling isn't necessary, P. told me he was divorced. Please don't make me disrespect you. I have always had respect for my elders."
Angry Wife "Did you just call me old, b***h?!?!"
Me "Look, you are mad at the wrong person. He LIED to BOTH of us. Take it up with your cheating husband. You can have him. I don't need him" CLICK

Cell phone rings

**Dear God, don't tell me this heifer has my cell phone number too. How dumb is this f**ker?**

Me looking at phone "oh, its P. that mutha f**ker. Should I pick up or just forget about him now?"

BBMo picks up the phone

Me (in sweet voice to mask seething rage) 'Hello P. Thanks for a nice weekend."
P "Oh you're welcome sweetness. I'm just driving home. Hey, did I leave my sunglasses in your bag?"
Me "No, but you did forget to tell me that YO ASS IS STILL MARRIED!!!
Me "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
P "Who told you I was still married?"
Me "Oh, I don't know, the same person who maybe busted out my tail light and just called to cuss me out?! You should know her... because you are still married to her! You turned me into homewrecker you mutha fu**king asshole (stream of expletives)"
**more silence**
Me "well, aren't you going to say anything!!?"
P "I can't believe you would take her word over mine (BBMo thinks what the F**K?!). I suppose we can't see each other any longer. You can keep the gifts"
Me "you damn right I'm keepin' em! And since its your F**KING fault, I expect a check for my f**kin tail light!!!"

I did receive a check chilluns, after I sent him the invoice from the repairs. I also pawned most of the jewels and those gold earrings.They paid for my vaycay to Key West. But DAMMIT I kept the LV duffel. Its niiiiiiiiiiiice!
Luckily, I never really had to see him again, either professionally or socially. He was a history teacher, so we were never at the same district meetings. And even if he did see me at some school district funtion, I'm fairly sure he turned tail and RAN. Man, that was some SH*T.

Lesson learned: EVEN OLDER GUYS BE ON THAT BULLSH*T! Don't believe the hype!!!

P.S. I debated posting this because...well... WOULD YOU POST THIS IF IT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?!

the things I do for the people...


Kofi Bofah said...

Interesting post, chile.

Almost Doc said...


the more i read from you, the more i feel like im you from the past! lmao...i love an older man, lemme tell ya! and yes, they can be just as sheisty as the young ones.

i like how you called wifey old though. that made me giggle!

i had my own run-in with a married liar...unlike you, i have nothing to show for it but compounded mistrust of men!

suga said...

Yeah see its incidents like these that keep me saying "there aint no hope for the future" (Tupac) lol You would think an older man would have more sense than that.

But thank goodness you got some trinkets and gifts out of the deal. All I usually end up with are visions of stabbings and other violent punishments lol

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog so I'll check back.

Cornell Westside said...

Yo, you did the best things you can do about it:
1) Tell the idiot that they're an idiot (saying to wifey "i respect my elders")

2) Make the most of the good times you had (pawning the jewels, going on vaca with the earnings, and keeping the louie bag)

3) Tell a good a** story about it

I have a few other suggestions on how to get over with that involve a certain plant and fire, but that might not be your thing :-)

Some folks on this earth are just plain retarded...and unfortunately they can get degrees, get drivers licenses, and procreate...

I always look at the bright side of things. It could have been worse, you could have had that convo w/ wifey in person. Those situations usually end up in litigation, and who has time for that when there are orgasms to be had and money to be made?

Lil Honey B said...

Yeah I've run across a couple of married, lying MFs. Why can't ppl just be honest? Is that too much to ask?