Ignant Ass Shyt or LAWD JEEBUS FORGIVE ME!

So... here is a convo betwixt me and my blogfriend the PBG.

Lord, forgive me, but I really couldn't help it.


BBMo: i just seent the MOST ARID HAIR HAT... on a white woman. I fell out in the middle of the street PBG: good lord
BBMo: it looked completely devoid of all moisture... yet it was blowin in the wind
PBG: probably looked like straw
BBMo: my stomach hurts from laughing... Lord forgive me
PBG: dehydrated cornsilk
BBMo: it looked like a beaver had taken up residence on her head
PBG: minus the silky quite twig like
BBMo: and it was going to jump off and attack somebody
PBG: feral hair hat
BBMo: logging trees and making dams and shyt
PBG: you may need to call the city on all that
BBMo: methinks you are correct Hello? City of Philadelphia? We have an arid beaver problem! Its taken up residence on some woman's head! Call animal control!!!
PBG: "It's finna get meeee! HALP!"
BBMo: girl.. play dead just lay there and try not to breathe it'll sniff you and walk away
PBG: ball up in the fetal position and pray to BBJ that he controls his woodland creatures
BBMo: Please BBJ, be a provider of a nice juicy stack of twigs for this beaver on this woman's head so that it may leave me in peace Amen
PBG: Amen!
BBMo: whooo, I feel better the beaver hat was so scary at me
PBG: i wish u had gotten a pic of it
BBMo: MAN I wish!!!!!I woulda stamped it... EPIC FAIL


We ignant and all kinds of WRONG. Lord Jesus... forgive us...

Happiness Is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1j-1Ww6K4g
(apparently, embedding is disabled, but click this link first)

**this is a reprint of something I posted on Very Smart Brothas today. Subject: How to be happy**

I love happiness.

I love when people call and ask me how I’m doing and I can genuinely say… “I’m doing great!”
But being happy is not a static state of being. It is a process, a journey of self discovery if you will.

When I was younger, I thought the key to happiness was to have the right STUFF. The right car, home, clothes, hair etc. Now, while I enjoy being surrounded by nice things (I am a Taurus after all), I have joyfully discovered the keys to happiness — forgive me if i repeat what others have
said.

1. Be thankful. We live in one of the richest countries in the world. Be grateful for everything… even the problems. Because trust, someone out there can only DREAM of having what you have. Do you know that if you make $28,000 USD, you are among the top 10% wealthiest people in the World? I looked around my home and realized that a family of 15 would GLADLY live in my space. TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED.

2. Love, love, love. And I’m not talking about romantic love here (although that adds to your happiness, if it is true and pure). Love people. Realize that no matter how douchey someone is being, chances are its a manifestation of hurt, anger and loneliness. So do your best to love them. That means be cordial, smile, and have an open spirit. Sometimes, people are looking for someone to love them– simply by recognizing their humanity.

3. Laugh. Alot. A whole lot. At the dumbest things. Remember funny stuff, tuck it away and retrieve it when life is getting you down. At the very least, it will make you crack a smile, even in the midst of tears.

4. Nourish your soul–however you decide to do that. Connect with your spirituality. Pour yourself into you passions. Share time and space with people who lift you up, yet keep it real with you. A well fed soul is a happy soul.

5. Take care of your physical self. Eat well. Exercise. Maintain your appearance, but DON’T OBSESS. Nothing says self- love like self-care. And people who love themselves (and are not narcisscists) radiate happiness and are able to share love.

6. Live your life like your breath could be taken fom you tomorrow. None of us are promised that we will wake up the next morning when we lay our heads down at night. Truly makes you think about making the most of every moment you have

House of 'Damn Its Wrong" Strikes Again

**before I get started, all you Bey fans Go.Sat.Down. I am not a Bey hater... just a hater of her wrong ass fashion choices.**

Aight... I didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. I don't have cable and I was actually spending a nice evening with my in-laws and my neices and nephews.... NOT WATCHING THE AWARDS.

I didn't even get a glimpse at the Red Carpet Parade or as I like to call it, the ODE TO EGRIGIOUSLY OVER-THE-TOP FASHION SHOW... I mean seriously, the amount of jewels and dresses on that carpet could have collectively fed 3 small countires for a year. Seriously... we are in a recession folks.

But I digress.

I still love fashion and caught my breath at some of the lovely frocks I saw on my favorite starlets. In particular, I thought Teraji P. Henson looked positively GLOIROUS. As did Alicia Keys, Kate Winslet, Queen Latifah, Marisa Tomei and many others.

But then came Beyonce... in this black and gold NIGHTMARE!

Okay. I understand and give props that Bey has an amazing figure. She obviously works hard to stay in shape. Much respect. But tell me WHY must your dress be so tight? It looks like if you eat ONE shrimp, the seams on that sucker are going to be poppin like Orville Redenbacher's. And while I gave her props for her figure, don't be fooled folks. I'm not. I can SEE the lines of the corset that his whittling her waist to wasp like proportions. And I hear she may employ "booty amplifying" shape wear as well. Hey, I knock NO ONE'S hustle. I have stock in SPANX.

My next point of issue has nothing to do with the dress so much as her presentation. Bey... sweetie? This is the OSCAR'S, not your latest video shoot. You do not need to be greased up thusly. Just SHINY. Wait.... I just realized something. She was prally greased up like to help her slide into that dress. That's the only way I can see that frock happening on ANYONE.

Now... for the most egrigeous of errors.... the gold leaf foiled multi-fabric, looks like some tacky curtains print. This dress looks like the couch at Dona Guiliano's house. For those of you who don't live in NJ, this is the ex-wife of a famous Mafia don. She is the epitome of tacky and would probably buy this dress off of Bey to transform it into some curtains**.

**this part is totally made up, but if it were real, trust, it would happen. this dress is just THAT tacky**

So who do we blame for this fashion horror....? Its a repeat offender folks. MAMA TINA!! That's right... Tina Knowles. Goodness, this woman and tacky are like Frick and Frack. They just GO TOGETHER.

That's right... this dress is House of Damnitswrong-er I mean Dereon Coture.

I am a lover of coture and have a couple of coture gowns. But you couldn't PAY me enough gold bullion to wear this sucker. Especially since the gold you would pay me with is already in the damn dress.

Bey, for this dress... and that HORRIBLE "Diva" video, you get the "SAT THE HELL DOWN AWARD."

Tina Knowles is on her way to getting the "Tackyness Lifetime Acheivement Award."

Birthday Shout Out

A HAPPY SNAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT TO...

"Tina"! She is my youngest blog fan (that I am aware of--- that's right, I'm calling out the lurkers) and daughter of one of my blog-friends, The Pretty Brown Girl
.
Clearly you are a well raised young lady, especially if you are a fan of my random musings... LOL!

I hope you had a wonderful and blessed day so far, lady. You still got 7.5 hours! Enjoy!

Peace and love,
The Retrospect

P.S. I tried to post the Stevie Wonder birthday song, and it crashed blogger.... so make sure someone sings it to you today on my behalf.

If that was your attempt at humor.... EPIC FAIL

Okay folks.... time for another rant. Is it me, or are my co-workers banding together in a madcap plot to piss me the HELL off?? Must be, because they are testing my Christianity right now.

Alright, so part of my job, randomly enough, is producing a quarterly newsletter that gets sent out to local healthcare providers and other insitutions in the public health network.

What is supposed to happen is that I am to ask my fellow workers to contribute articles, so I don't end up writing the whole thing myself. What REALLY happens is... I write the whole thing myself.
In fact, the last issue was LITERALLY authored by yours truly in its ENTIRETY. The reason this happens is because while its a priority to me and maybe the medical director and CDC appointee, everyone else could give a flying fuck. That is... until someone calls and asks why they haven't gotten an issue. THEN it becomes an 'issue' and people look at me crosseyed. So I stare at them right back.

Anywho, all this background leads to what happened today... and why our Program Director can go KICK ROCKS. So, he sends me a laundry list of items he wants included in the newsletter, in particular an item focused on our personnel change. Our former pediatric consultant is doin' it BIG at the World Health Organization and we have a new pediatric consultant. PD man wanted me to include a few notes on our new doc. No Problem.... happy to oblige.

I figured he could give me one or two talking points about her, since he is privvy to her CV... I mean, he hired her after all. The reason I asked him rather than the source is that she is NOT full time, serves in two other positions at two other hospitals... and I still haven't figured out where her desk is. Besides, time is of the essence and she isn't here much, because she is so busy. When she's here, she is holding clinic for our pediatric patients-- off site. Moreover, his exact wording was "Include some points from her CV."

Yeah, so I send him a polite e mail asking for some help and this is the in person response I get back

"Seems to me you should be asking her."

The FUCK?!?!

If this is your attempt at humor homie, you FAIL. EPICALLY. That wasn't funny. It was snide. Your ass NEVER contributes an article (though you call sending me a laundry list of things to include "writing the newsletter for me") and now when I nicely ask for a LITTLE help, you answer me thusly?

I talked to my frat brother, who also works in my department (and has for many years) and he was like "Yep, that's B. Don't take it personal"

But it is personal. The way you relate to people directly influences whether or not they are comfortable around you. And I'm not terribly comfortable around him. Which wouldn't matter all that much except that HE is the person who has to approve EVERYTHING we do. Studies, spending, meetings, etc.... gotta ask B.

*sigh*
I was just reminded why, outside of essential conversation, I NEVER speak to this man. iCan't, iWon't, iShan't.... you ain't putting my spritual eternity and the future of my job in jeopardy cuz your threatened by a woman half your age who has twice the accomplishments... NO SIR.

Ol Stiff Whack Ass Dry Office Humor Lookin' Face....

Okay, I'm better now. Sort of.

Sweet Vindication

So... my post last friday about my oversensitive co-worker calling me out via e mail?

This is the e mail my supervisor sent in response:

T,

Please support C-------- on this. There is a lot of frustration on her part by the lack of follow-up by field staff. There are basic standards for field follow-up and she's just trying to get her job done.

She shouldn't be put in a position where field staff criticize her for doing things the right way and in a timely fashion.

Please reply to C and set him straight.

Thanks,

D

And I didn't have to to a gotdang thang!!!!

The LAWD is GOOD!

Amen, and amen.

Keep Your Worries

Oversensitive asshats piss me off. Really. They just need to DIE.

Today I got an offensive response to a completely innocuous e mail I sent regarding a meeting I am holding with my staff next week. Basically it said this is the time and date, this is what needs to be done to prep, come prepared to discuss XYZ... Thanks!

Here is the response I got:

"C-------, the tone of your message sounds like a commanding officer marshalling orders to the troops."

Tha HUH??!?!?!?!

Lawdamussy! Methinks someone took their "Oversensitive Pills" this morning.

Not only was the response sent to me... no, no. This person decided to hit the 'Reply to All' button.

This is how I addressed their response:

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand. Please explain what you mean.

Thanks,
C---------."

I also kindly did NOT hit the "Reply to all" button... but did deftly BCC the Program Director, so that he would be privy to the FOOLYWANG of it all, when I approach him about this later today.

BTW.... if you think being oversensitive is a female or gay male trait... this person is a 40-something year old Nigerian male with CHILDREN my age....

Yeah dude. Keep your insecurities and worries to yourself. And while you're at it, keep MY name out your mouth.

That is all.

Peace and love,
The Retrospect

What about your friends? Part I- Steel Sharpens Steel

As I've gotten older, my circle of friends has become narrower. I attribute this to three things: growth, movement and revelations. I have dozens of aquaintances the country and world over... but really only a few people I call friend-- I'd say the circle is about 10 people deep. No more. No less. The reasons I call them friend are different and multitudinous, but there are a few basic characteristics that they all have in common.

Steel Sharpens Steel
Spiritual/Emotional Intelligence
and Quirkiness.

Today I will talk about the first,



Steel sharpens Steel:
You ever see those commercials for knives that can cut through anything and always stay sharp? That is a lie. They eventually go dull, if they are not sharpened. Ever seen a REAL chef cook? They have knives that may cost hundreds, even thousands of dollars, and they keep those suckers sharp... on steel rods and sharpeners. I have one in my house. There is a reason steel is so good at this. Most quality cooking knives are made of tempered steel. And can only be sharpened PROPERLY by tempered steel. The same concept applies to people

My friends are the same way. Their steel sharpens my steel, and vice versa. Each of them has a quality that I admire and aspire to in myself. Whether is passion, clarity, focus, health consciousness, temperment... there are things that any person who is keen on personal evolution has identified in themselves that needs work, and they seek the company of folk who got it down. Not co-incidentally, 'keen on personal evolution' types are also people who have something going on that is an admirable quality. So it goes both ways.

Par example: my friend K. is a gym rat. She is super health conscious, but still struggles with her own body image issues. She was the one that got me really thinking about my health and being proactive about it. We are work out buddies, foodie buddies and life buddies. On the flip, she admires my flair for the fashionable and being able to dress my body flatteringly and embracing (okay, not really, but adequately accepting) my flaws as beautiful with room for improvement. Steel sharpening Steel.

The converse of this is people who are something other than Steel trying to get down with your Steel. Either they are too sharp (rocks) or too soft (tin foil). These relationships are troublesome. Its not to say they are not nice or good people, that they are not good in general... but they may not be good FOR YOU. If you are serious about who you give that special label "friend" to, then you definitely think about these things... almost unconsciously. And if you are friends with them, these friendships are almost organically shed. You grow apart and lead different lives. Its natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

Tin foil people do you no good. You cut through them. They are too soft for you, and moreover, they may try to wrap themselves and their issues around you, thereby reducing your shine and trying to mimic your shape. Its not that you are perfect and they are not worthy. But consider this... you have issues, so do they. But they may not be ready, willing or able to deal with their issues on the level that you are, want, or need to be. Thus, they can become a drag. Ever have a friend that when they call, you stare at the caller ID and conemplate picking up? Not because you are busy or otherwise engaged, but because you KNOW they are going to have some kind of issue to dump all over you... and they want a quick bail out. Its usually the SAME issue or some close variation each time. This kind of friend is going to reduce your shine and sharpness.

Par example: I had a girlfriend in HS that I loved to death. I was new in town and she was the first friend I made. But, as we got older, our lives diverged. We were both in the honors track in HS, so she was not dumb. But she had daddy issues (her father passed and she had NO upstanding male role models... save MY father) and a mother who was physically unable to supervise her teenage daughter. As a result she had a string of loser men, who did everything from give her an STD to pimp her out to their friends to cheat with her on their wives. This all culminated in her getting pregnant and having a child by a man with 10 other kids by 4 baby mamas. She inadvertently tried to make her issues my issues by 1) trying to get me caught up with her foolishness in HS, 2) disappearing when she knew she had done wrong and I would come down on her for it and 3) me being a 'financial father' to her child because the real daddy wasn't doing jack-- I mean down to I put my job and reputation on the line to make sure they were taken care of.

She was bringing down my stock, and the older I got, the more I realized it and pulled away from her. She is a good person and a sweet girl, but her issues or rather, her lack of ability to own them and make progressive insightful decsions about changing them, made me think twice about calling her to chat or picking up the phone when she called me... because she might dump on me again. TIN FOIL. Sometimes, dealing with her made me feel and behave like our next group of people... ROCKS.

Think about what words come to mind when you hear the word 'rock'. Abraisive, rough, jagged, cuts, hard, heavy... These people, by their very being and essence chip away at your being and essence. Steel knives can be chipped, broken or even smashed by rock. These types of friends are not necessarily bad people, but they do carry themselves as if they're better than YOU. They like to pontificate and make declarations from their pedestal, while ignoring their own short comings. They have many knicknames... holy rollers, hypocrites, snobs, elitists. Each time they speak to you or present you with an issue, they make a declaration about how messed up you or your situation is, and add that they would a) never let themselves get in said situation or b) how their solution to said situation is better than yours. If they know your buttons, they might just smash your spirit to bits.

Last example: I had a friend who I loved, but I could never be open with her about my issues, and I didn't even really like being around her. She seemed so 'perfect'. She was pretty, popular, smart and entertaining. I have always struggled with my body issues and I was a nerd and painfully shy in HS. She would say things like "Well you have a pretty face, but you're too big-boned (her fave euphemism for fat) for guys to be interested" or "You are really smart, but you need to get out more." Her compliments were always backhanded and I never really talked to her about serious things. She never knew deep secrets about me because I was afraid of her judgement. If i spoke to her today, she would be FLOORED to know that I am happily married, that my husband thinks I am the sexiest thing walking the earth, that I am "the life o' the party" and give people gigglefits. Her desire to self evolve was non- existent, because she thought she had been blessed by perfection. Had I had a stronger will in those days, I would have told her to go take a long walk off a short pier, after telling her about herself... but I was lonely, shy and longed for friends. So I figured that kind of a friend was all I was worth. Not. A. Good. Look.

Continue with me in my journey exploring the characteristics of FRIENDS--Stay tuned for parts II and III of this series... as well as the belated continuation of the Relationship Crypt as well as more random funny shyt...

I'm waxing reflective and so should you, from time to time.

Peace and love...

The Retrospect