Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tales from the Relationship Crypt-Episode II: Whatever you like...

Gather round chilluns... its time once again to share my foolishness for the edification and upliftment of single peoples everywhere.

Time for... Tales from the Relationship Crypt Episode II: Whatever u like...

I have always had a penchant for older men. In fact, my mate is the third youngest person I have been with in my 'adult' relationship life, and he's still got 4 years on me.

Older men tend to me more settled, accomplished, and looking for a nice pretty young thing to wife and knock up... usually. They also tend to come with baggage like ex-wives and children that are old enough to be your siblings.

I met a gentleman who had all of these things going on, except for one crucial element. The ex-wife wasn't an ex, yet. Oh the h3ll that I caught for this one...

I met P.P. while I was teaching in St. Louis (noticing a theme here? lotsa foolishness happened there, prally why I hightailed it out of that city). I was the assistant girls volleyball coach for the school I was teaching and an he was the girls volleyball coach for another high school in the city. We first met at the Saturday season-opening tournament. We had all day to notice each other, casually walk by each other, shake hands when our teams played each other... and when our teams were not playing, we talked. He was so nice. And for an older guy he was exceptionally good-looking. Well built, well groomed, worked out often, and very nicely dressed. On top of all that he was cultured, refined and a true gentleman. He was a history teacher. In the span of a couple of hours we had spoken on politics, art, history, books... yeah, I was feeling this one. And there was NO WEDDING RING.

At the end of the tourney, when we had gotten all our girls on their busses home, he helped me carry my equipment to my car, and loaded it all in for me. We had gotten a light dusting of snow, so he started my car and cleaned the snow off while I sat inside getting toasty. I was floating, and he hadn't even touched me yet.

We exchanged info and he called me the next day. We talked and right off the bat he told me that he had to be "honest" with me. He was "recently divorced" and had two children that were fairly close to my age. He wanted to know if I was okay with this because he was very interested in seeing more of me. Since he came right out and told me the truth, I said I could deal if we took it slow and kept it casual. He was fine with that and proposed taking me out to see a production of the King and I and then dinner at the Millennium Hotel. I thought it was a fabulous idea.

He took me out and showed me a wonderful time. He was every inch a gentleman and at the end of the night, he asked if he could kiss me goodnight. I happily obliged.

After that we saw each other often, but we weren't seriously dating. Since he had just gotten out of a marriage, he was more interested in just spending time in the company of a young lady who he could treat nicely. I couldn't argue with that, but I unconsciously stopped dating other people. We saw each other at games when our team played each other, we would meet for dinner or drinks... just casual.

Our contacts continued through spring into the summer months. He would bring me take out for dinner and a classic flick, bought me small thoughtful trinkets and even bought me some nice earrings for my birthday. One weekend, he asked if he could take me out to the Lake of the Ozarks (St. Louis' best excuse for a beach-- gawd how I missed the ocean when I was living there). There was a resort there and he wanted some company. I thought... sure, why not. When he came to pick me up, he said he had a gift for me. He opened his trunk and in it was a Louis V duffel. He said this would be better than my little black wheely bag that was admittedly beaten to death from frequent use. I was floored. I had NEVER had someone treat me like this.

We had a loverly time that weekend. However, drama ensued the moment we came back.

My apt had street and gated parking. I normally park in the gated lot, but I had left my car on the street over the weekend. When he dropped me off, I saw that my tail light had been busted out. I freaked because I thought someone had tried to steal my car. But then I wondered, why would anyone want to steal a Galant with 2 BMW's and a Mercedes parked on the same block? My gentleman friend offered to pay to have the light fixed. I thought he was being so thoughtful. I should have known his conscience was getting the better of him.

When I got inside, I checked my voicemail... 2 messages from the 'rents, 3 from girlfriends and 2 messages that were 'unidentifed.' Nothing out of the ordinary... or so I thought. Then my phone rang.

Me "Hello?"
Caller " Is P. there?"
Me "um, nooo... can I help you? And who are you?"
Caller "This is P's wife, ho!"
Me "I'm sorry.... wife? And DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HO?!?!"
Angry Wife "Yes. He is my husband and you are the HO he's messin with"
Me " Okay. Um, name calling isn't necessary, P. told me he was divorced. Please don't make me disrespect you. I have always had respect for my elders."
Angry Wife "Did you just call me old, b***h?!?!"
Me "Look, you are mad at the wrong person. He LIED to BOTH of us. Take it up with your cheating husband. You can have him. I don't need him" CLICK

Cell phone rings

**Dear God, don't tell me this heifer has my cell phone number too. How dumb is this f**ker?**

Me looking at phone "oh, its P. that mutha f**ker. Should I pick up or just forget about him now?"

BBMo picks up the phone

Me (in sweet voice to mask seething rage) 'Hello P. Thanks for a nice weekend."
P "Oh you're welcome sweetness. I'm just driving home. Hey, did I leave my sunglasses in your bag?"
Me "No, but you did forget to tell me that YO ASS IS STILL MARRIED!!!
Me "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
P "Who told you I was still married?"
Me "Oh, I don't know, the same person who maybe busted out my tail light and just called to cuss me out?! You should know her... because you are still married to her! You turned me into homewrecker you mutha fu**king asshole (stream of expletives)"
**more silence**
Me "well, aren't you going to say anything!!?"
P "I can't believe you would take her word over mine (BBMo thinks what the F**K?!). I suppose we can't see each other any longer. You can keep the gifts"
Me "you damn right I'm keepin' em! And since its your F**KING fault, I expect a check for my f**kin tail light!!!"

I did receive a check chilluns, after I sent him the invoice from the repairs. I also pawned most of the jewels and those gold earrings.They paid for my vaycay to Key West. But DAMMIT I kept the LV duffel. Its niiiiiiiiiiiice!
Luckily, I never really had to see him again, either professionally or socially. He was a history teacher, so we were never at the same district meetings. And even if he did see me at some school district funtion, I'm fairly sure he turned tail and RAN. Man, that was some SH*T.

Lesson learned: EVEN OLDER GUYS BE ON THAT BULLSH*T! Don't believe the hype!!!

P.S. I debated posting this because...well... WOULD YOU POST THIS IF IT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?!

the things I do for the people...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Self Therapy Time

Alright... for those of you who follow me (thanks bunches by the way ***Diva Dust (tm) to ALL of you, including those who just stopped by***) I know you were expecting episode II of Tales from the Relationship Crypt. And it shall be posted. It has been written, but something sparked the need for me to post this first.

Funnily enough it might give you insight into why I have a Relationship Crypt (eff a closet, I needed a CRYPT) in the first place.

Over at my now second home on the web, a comment thread started where there was discussion about guys sending their friends over to holler, rather than coming over themselves. For most people on there, it was a source of hilarity. For me, however, it kind of opened up some darker memories in my mind.

Let me explain.

The happy-go-lucky, confident (most times), sunshiney, smiling person that is me did not always exist. Ya girl had major self esteem issues back in the day. Matter of fact, they still rear their ugly head from time to time.

These stem from a combination of the fact that I never went to a school where the other girls looked like me-- I always stood out and was thus often mocked-- and that I was (and still PRODULY am a nerd). I am Black. I'm a dark skinned. I am a big (yet quite well proportioned and fit) girl. I looked nothing like my skinny 2520 classmates. This was my environment for my ENTIRE life between kindergarten and 12th grade. Add to this puberty and clinical depression... it was not a pretty picture AT ALL. My mom had me on suicide watch for a couple of months after she found one of her steak knives under my bed. It wasn't until I went to college and met women who looked like me (even though we were still the minority) that I began to 'grow into myself'

So as you can imagine, guys and the thought of dating was a scary place for me. I didn't think anyone had any reason to want me. The world around me (outside of my parents, but they're supposed to say that stuff) didn't tell me that either. Add to that kids are cruel and will have fun at someone's expense gleefully. I didn't trust people.

Okay, so now you have the back story.

Around the time when I was open to meeting people (going to parties, clubs-- being a college student), I ran into this phenomenon of guys sending their friends to talk to me for them. This summarily upset me, and they would never know why their actions evoked such wrath. In short, I thought they were mocking me. I mean, if he was truly interested, why didn't he come up to me himself? Why did he have to send someone to talk to me for him? Was he going to fake interest in order to have a good laugh with his buddies at my expense? All of these things would rush through my head, and there were a couple of jerk-offs for whom my assumptions were correct. The rest of these (possibly nice, shy) guys got the royal cuss out, which sometimes earned me the b***h moniker-- but they never really knew why this was.

Fast forward to college graduation and the prospect of meeting MORE people in my new city and place of employment. I had resolved to be open and had many self-affirmations floating about in my head. I bled confidence and sex appeal because I MADE MYSELF DO SO. I was still a shy and insecure girl. Its just that after a few psych classes, some awesome friends and a couple of nice guys who were NOT jerks, that I was able to work through the shyness and insecurity.

However, I had not yet developed a Bullshit Filter as I possess now. And hence, the Relationship Crypt.

Just thought I'd share a piece of my soul. Hope yall don't mind.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

No actually, you are rude

**disclaimer: BBMo is not a racist. I'm a RUDEist.**

I hate rude people with a passion. This passion burns with the heat of a thousand red giants. They irk me and if I'm not careful, they can ruin my day. That's not to say that I don't have my moments. As you know, I'm a snarky bi*ch. Sometimes snark can go toO far and then its just rude. But I ALWAYS immediately feel HORRIBLE after I am rude to someone. For cryin out loud, my mom raised me properly. I should act like it from time to time.

But there are some people for whom rudeness is just a state of mind. The essence of their being, if you will. Some of them are so deluded that 1) they have a sense of entitlement that goes beyond the reasonable and into the ridonculous and 2)they don't think they are rude, and in fact think that YOU are rude for pointing out or reacting to their rudeness. How rude!!!!

Two recent events spurred me to write this, and tonight I have time and opportunity since my dear sweet mate is out with his boys and its just to daggone cold for me to want to leave my cozy home. Also, I have two pies (sweet potato and cherry)and a cake (Jewish Apple) in the oven for Thanksgiving. Ya girl can burn in the kitchen. In once instance, I reacted and let it ruin my night. In the other, I just kept it moving and am now giggling my ass off about the whole thing.

Rude happening numero uno:

One evening I was leaving work and walking to my train down Broad Street. I had several bags in my hand was arguably taking up more than my fair share of sidewalk space. I knew this, so I was consciously avoiding taking people out and apologizing if I happened to tap people. Most people were quite understanding and even moved out of my way. As I turned the corner around the Academy of Music, I saw three tallish 2520 men walking towards me. They were walking side by side, taking up the ENTIRE sidewalk. As I approached, I naturally assumed that one or more would step aside to let me pass. As I got closer, I realized they had NO intention of doing that. So I did what any self respecting sista would do. I barreled my way on through and damn near knocked two of them over. I got a cacophony of dirty looks and even a barely audible "rude b*tch". 2520snigletsaywhatnah?!?!?! I could have ignored the dirty looks but said comment gave me pause. I stopped. I turned. I looked them in their faces. The look I gave them must have been pure hatred because their eyes got as big as saucers. Very calmly with my signature attitude and tall straight posture I said "that's right, I am a bitch. Matter of fact I am Boss Bitch. Now, bitchasses, kneel and kiss da muddafuggin ring. On second thought, my fingers don't want the herps." And I walked off.
Admittedly that was not the smartest thing to do, because I think they may have been slightly drunk (there was a pub on the corner) and God only knows what could have popped off. But damn, how you just gonna out and call me a bitch? You don't even know me and it was YOUR rude asses that wouldn't move and let a lady pass. Asshats!

Rude happening numero dos:

This happened just this afternoon. I met my BFF at the gym this morning and we killed ourselves. Stairmaster and crazy abs. I was having difficulty walking straight because my legs felt like jell-o. Anyway, on the way home I decided to stop by the store and pick up a few things. As I walked in the door, there was a cart jam. Like 6 people with carts not moving. Well, I ain't have a cart, so I wove my way through the crowd. This middle aged over-tanned and slightly unfortunate in the face (prally cause of tanning) woman said "Some people are just so rude. Rude, rude, rude!" And then her eyes met mine. I gave her the sweetest of smiles but my eyes said "B*tch don't even..." I then went about grabbing the items I was there for every time I appeared in an aisle where she was, she made a quick u-turn and headed somewhere else. I scared her y'all! YAY! Actually, nothing about what I did was rude. It was cold outside and I was trying to get myself into the store so that I didn't become part of the cart jam. I made sure to say excuse me when I was making my way through the crowd. On top of that, I didn't even have a cart, so its not as if I barreled through people to get in front.
Since I did not engage her, I felt free and in fact did giggle about the situation, including snickering loudly about it on the phone to my friend while I was at the check out and she was in the check out lane next to me. She turned that shade of over-tanned purple that I had only seen a couple of times before in my life. I smiled at her again, grabbed my packages and went on my merry way... still laughing at her. I was so proud of myself. I ruined her day.

so what do you notice about these two instances? If you said that both instances involved 2520's then remind me to give you a cupcake. You are correct. Now that's not to say that all 2520's are rude, or that all people of color are polite. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. But, the inherent sense of entitlement that some 2520's are born with and taught to exercise (either consciously or unconsciously) makes them believe that a person of color who asserts themselves, particularly a woman of color, is being rude.

My friends will argue with me that I have an inborn sense of entitlement as well, and if my assertion is to hold, then I'm calling myself rude. But my sense of entitlement is different. It is not fostered and nourished by being a member of a group that has a history of subjugating and dominating people of color all over the globe for centuries. It comes from being the only child of two parents who raised me in a comfortable lifestyle. That just makes me a bit of a diva who believes in sparkly things, getting the best out of life and giving her best to the world. Not a rude person at all. Besides...we already clarified that I'm not rude, I'm snarky.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Tales from the Relationship Crypt or “Gawd, I can’t believe I was that DUMB!”: Episode 1

Okay. Since y’all asked nice I will oblige. This post will start the series Tales from the Relationship Crypt or “Gawd, I can’t believe I was that DUMB!”

Who to start with? Hmmmm… tough decision. I think I will start with G.M. The nonsense that went on with this sniglet was ri-gatdang-diculous. And it wasn’t entirely my fault. Okay, yes it was. I violated a cardinal rule. I didn’t listen to my woman’s intuition.

Story time babies… gather round the story mat.

So right after I graduated from college, I moved to St. Louis, MO to teach high school science with Teach for America. I was a new girl in a new city and the only friends I had were my fellow TFAers. And they were mostly female. I was young, cute and gainfully employed. There was no reason for my ass to be sitting at home waiting for life to happen to me.

Anyway, it was a couple of days before one of my friends’ birthdays. I went to the local Sam’s Club to get a cake to share with our track girls (she coached running, I coached field events). As I was walking around the store, I noticed this guy noticing me. But wasn’t typical noticing. It seemed like every aisle I went down, there he was smiling in my face, but not initiating conversation. I thought it was a little creepy, but he was FOINE, so I dismissed that initial knot in my stomach. I mean he was a 6’3” tall drink of caramel deliciousness with broad shoulders and locks that flowed down his back. I mean… DAMN.

Well, its nice to be admired, but if you ain’t talking, I ain’t got time. So I headed to the check out with my full cart. Imagine my surprise when I walked outside and there he was, waiting for me. Once again, ignoring that little knot in my tummy that said “stranger danger”. So he finally chats me up. In this first conversation I should have known this was a bad idea. He revealed the following information via these phrases:
"I’m here shopping with my mother” TRANSLATION “I live with my mother – and I’m over 30”
“I just got back into town from Houston. I’m into various things to pay bills” TRANSLATION “I’m running from my past and I don’t have a real job”
“I’m looking for an adult situation, I’m tired of games” TRANSLATION “I just want to hit, you got some nice knockers”

I gave him my number (stupid, stupid, stupid) and he said he would call later that night. Then this fool had the nerve to NOT HELP ME WITH MY HEAVY CART OF GROCERIES. Once again, ignored the knot in my stomach.

He called and we chatted some more. In this conversation I found out that he had a baby momma, that said baby momma had had a train run on her (whether it was before, during or after him, I am still not certain) and that he hasn’t seen his child since he left Houston six months prior to our meeting. THIS MEANT HE WAS A SUCKY FATHER, AND POSSIBLY WAS CARRYING VARIOUS STI’s. He wanted to come hang out with me (not take me on an actual date--- do you see all these damn red flags?!?). Oh wait, but I had to pick him up because he didn’t have access to a car. (I found out later his license had been suspended for a DUI). I even cooked for this ninja. We hung out a couple of times and I even took him to my homegirl’s Christmas party as my date. Everyone was oohing and ahhing over how delicious he looked and how nice he was.
Interestingly enough, before I left to go get him for the party my mother (who is definitely my angel on Earth) called me and said she just felt the need to pray a prayer of protection over me. She wasn’t sure exactly why. I’m sure The Spirit spoke to her and warned her I was about to get into some potentially dangerous nonsense.
So of course, after the party, he starts laying the mack down on me in my car. By the time we got up to my apt, we were both half dressed.

I could have stopped it there. I SHOULD have stopped it there. But ummmm… his oral game was on point and I hadn’t had any since I graduated. We did the do and he spent the night. Of course, the next morning, I had to drive his ass back home, then come home and pack to fly home for the holidays.

That morning was the last time I heard from or saw this ninja. He straight fell off the grid. All of a sudden, his cell was going straight to voicemail, he wasn’t returning my messages. I even called him to wish him a Merry Christmas, and he ain’t call me back.

I was hurt because I felt used and cheap. But oh… its gets better.

So I come back to work after the holidays. We had a permanent sub in the classroom next to mine because the little hoodlums had finally driven the white teacher that was there insane. I mean, they stole her keys and took her car out the parking lot, and then crashed it. So, permasub tells me how over the Christmas break she met this guy who was tall, fine, caramel with locks, etc. I raise an eyebrow and ask his name. “Oh his name is G. and he lives over on Natural Bridge and Page.” ‘SCUSEMESAYHUHWHATNAH?!! Now, I’m not even close to claiming to be the finest thing on the planet but I am DEFINTELY cuter than this chick. I mean, just… way cuter (God, forgive my ego, but tell the truth and shame the devil).

So yeah, she continues to describe with relish her sexual escapades with this fool while I make a mental note to go see my ob/gyn ASAP (luckily I was clean—mom’s prayers saved me, I’m sure!).

I say, “Oh really? Hmmm… he sounds nice. So does he do that trick with his tongue where he…?” The look on her face was PRICELESS.

For the rest of the year, chick made a point to talk about him around me fronting like they were still seeing each other. I knew that he had probably played her too, and she was just trying to save face. I felt sorry for her.

I saw him again a year later at my favorite used record store. He came over to say hi, and I suppose, apologize. I acted like I could see right through him and couldn’t hear anything. I wonder if his trifling-ness has caught up with him yet…


Monday, November 17, 2008

I gotta write this mess down one day

I swear I have verbal diarrhea. I speak a stream of consciousness and worry about the consequences later.

I forget how it came up, but I was at work talking to one of my male co-workers and somehow, stories of past relationships came up. Oh yes, I remember now. We were talking about how young women are essentially dumb about relationships, and that my history is a prime example.

As I recounted my history, he was literally banging his fist on the desk laughing is ass off. I realized that my dating history is freaking hilarious. I have been in every crazy dating situation you could possibly think of. Its completely the makings of a crazy romantic comedy. One day I'm going to have to write this shit down.

From the guy that proposed to me to get my ass to stay in town to the guy who wanted to follow me back east out of said town, to the dude that was trying to marry my ass to get his Green card, to the older man who spoiled me, but was still married to his crazy wife... I've been through it all. One day, I will write my memoirs, and give the world the laughs of a lifetime

Maybe if people ask nice, I will make it a mini-series on this here blog....

Friday, November 14, 2008

I am a snarky b***h

I've said this before, but it really just dawned on me. I am a snarky bitch. Its not even like i try to be. I dont try and think of snarky comments to make. Nope, my brain just goes there... all by itself. Good thing I keep a lot of my snark to myself. If that barrier I've constructed called "think before you speak" ever breaks down, I will either be reviled as the most evil of bitches on the planet... or pitied as a sufferer of Tourette's Syndrome. Don't believe me? Fine, you dumb f**k, I don't care. (See what I'm talking about? Problems.... I apologize. Really, I do.)

Seriously though, I have proof. At least, examples that serve as proof to me.

Case #235 Snarkiness Invades the Morning Commute

You know, I seriously can't be blamed for this one. People are dumb. They leave themselves open or snarky comments, and it just cant be helped. So, this morning a group of women wearing pink scrubs get on the train. I won't even venture to guess why they were all wearing pink scrubs, but seemed barely able to form sentences that sounded remotely educated sounding... but I digress. All I know is they weren't nurses. My mother has been a nurse longer than I care to out her for, and she is an extremely educated and intelligent individual. I refuse to place these people in the same category as her. Nope. won't do it. Call it pride... if it makes you feel better. Anyway, back to the snark. So all of these chicks decide to plant themselves in the seats closest to me, even though the train was nearly empty. One of them sitting behind me remarked 'its a good thing i got an early start this morning. it gave me time to do my make-up in a full mirror instead of my rearview mirror.' ***enter snark*** I lie to you not when I say the next thought that popped into my head was "Yeah, and it did your ass no good. A bigger mirror and full make up cannot fix unfortunate looking." ZING! I didn't even try to do that... it just came out. Forgive me, Lord.

Case #176 Snark Strikes at the Courthouse...
BBMo went to jail last week. Yup, ya girl had tickets, the judge was cool but the fines were a bit high. Long story short, they said if I hung out in lock up for a couple of hours, it would knock some money off my bill. Well... cool. It wasn't like county lock up with the orange jumpsuits and house shoes. I had my Crackberry, my ipod and my hubby brought me a smoked turkey on rye with muenster cheese. Ya girl was chillin. There were other peoples in there, some had issues way deeper than mine like alcoholism that resulted in their 2nd and 3rd DUI's. Then there was Mushmouth. He got this moniker because in the courtroom through the proceedings, when we were being escorted to lock up and the 2 hours i spent in lock up, this loquacious fellow wouldn't shut the hell up. This in and of itself is a problem. Add to this the fact that he sounded like he was taught to speak with the pacifier still in his mouth and that he chews on cotton balls. In lock up, I really just wanted tune the world out. But this mo-mo would not be quiet. ***enter the snark***
The fact that I named an otherwise seemingly nice person Mushmouth is snarky enough. But then I started to wonder what chick would want to spend late nights on the phone having 'sexy talk' with a voice like that? Or let a mouth like that kiss her or her 'good girl'? Like seriously, do you get any play dude? I got mad at his mama for not teaching him to properly form his words. Am I wrong for all of these thoughts? yes. But i already TOLD you, I'm a snarky bitch.

Case# 422 Ain't no body in this club to make love to.
Last night I got roped into going to one of the whackest spots in the Del Val. I hate Taylor's with the same heat as the fire of a thousand suns. Really, that place sucks. My husband calls it 'big booty marginal looking 2520 girl heaven'. His description could not be more accurate if it were a 140 page dissertation. The girls had some reasonable facsimile of the booty that has made women of color famous. They were mainly 2520's, and far too many were marginal looking. What is hilarity to me is that there were way more bitchass looking brothas in there than I would deem reasonable. But then again, the whole situation is unreasonable to me.
So last night was an exercise in snark. I cracked on errybody up in that piece. From the desperate looking 40-something women who were trying to be MILF's and epically failing to to dudes standing around having their own little snausage fests. Oh, I was HIGHLY entertained... for a while. Then I got bored. But some of my classic comments

"She may be skinny, but she still got cottage cheese all up on her thighs. She needs to quit with that damn mini."

"How in the hell is the 2520 girl rockin a JACKED up ponytail weave? Just look like she snuck up on a horse with garden shears!"

"Where are her pants?! Oh, she trying to make us think that's a mini-dress... sorry sweetie but NO."

"Why are all the dudes clustered together like that? Did we go to a high school dance and no one told me?"

"What in the hell is a NYC dress code? We in South Jersey."

"Oh that DJ KNOWS that no one is here to dance to trance music. Take that mess to NYC."

"You can't make a martini?! Its vodka and olive juice! You need to go to remedial bartending school."

"I put on for my fellow BBW's but she needs to STOP with that jumpsuit. Really ma, stop misreppin' the pretty big girls... or in your case, just big girls."

Oh I am going to PAY for my snarkiness... but oh well. I kept myself and my friends entertained. And really... that's all that matters. That and I can provide you tales of my foolishness.

peace and love...

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Hits and Misses II

HIT: The most Gorgeous First Family

I mean really... Just BEAUTIFUL. My lawd, my lawd, my lawd...

HIT: Worldwide Celebrations/Congratulations

It was amazing to see how the world rejoiced over this historic moment. Just moving....

Congratulatory sand sculpture in India

MISS: The CNN Over-Technologicalized (I know it ain't a word... SHUT IT) Broadcast

The 3-D projection of the house was... okay. The 8 million laptops... I got past it But really... holograms of correspondents/celebrities in the studio? Seriously, when I saw them "hologram" in Will.I.Am I seriously was like... Say HUH? The HELL is that?!? Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? What the hell CNN?!! I CALL FOOLYWANG!!!! What happened to the simple yet effective split screen? This is an example of Too Much Money, Not Enough Common F*cking Sense. EPIC FAIL!

Election Aftermath... Greatest Hits-- And Misses I

ladies and gentle-ments....

I present... the aftermath of the most historic election of the las 200 years... the HITS... and the MISSES...

HIT- This e mail posted by a commentor on Very Smart Brothas.... i chortled

Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election, too, we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon ,Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85% of America ’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states paytheir fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if youdon’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% ofthe nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech andMIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% ofall obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of allU.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Peace out,

–Blue States

MISS: Ralph Nader's HATIN' ASS....

"You see me? Hi Hater!"


*here is the moment that will leave an indellible mark upon my soul*

I just recently became a citizen so this was my first ever election

Sitting at the bar of the Cheesecake Factory with my husband and my best friend weeping tears of pure joy as I saw the count go to 292… then 338….

Telling my husband that its time we had babies–yes we can…

Crying and smiling and laughing and clapping as I saw the most gorgeous First Family walk onto that stage…

Gettin jiggy with it in the car to the sounds of celebration on the Streets of Philadelphia…

Talking to my 70 year old auntie long distance from Ghana while hearing THEM celebrate a half a world away…

Still being giddy as a betsybug, unable to get to sleep…

So excited to get to work tomorrow morning and sip some Dom with my work family….

My SOUL is overjoyed and my cup runneth over…

Project for my followers... all two of you.
I need a hater-ific soundtrack for my ipod.... i live near a thicket of McCain/Palin-ites who have been less than gracious lately... I need them to recognize.



Tuesday, November 04, 2008

On the Verge...

Ladies and gentlemen, we are on the verge.

I am so excited, I feel like if someone touches me the wrong way, me head might explode. I also feel like if someone comes at me the wrong way, they just might get "Motherland Slapped"...

I am giddy because of the possibility that lies before us.

Children who have no hope and had nothing but excuses for not being their best... that is being eroded as we speak. No more will I hear from kids that I volunteer mentor say "I'm black. I'm poor. I didn't have it like that. We didn't have no head start. I don't know my daddy. I moved around alot. I cant be anything because no one who is me has ever been President or anything like that..."

They can't say that anymore. They don't want to say it anymore. Today, driving into work I saw children on the corner of 40th and Market screaming "Obama! Obama! YES WE CAN!!!" at the top of their lungs. Like seriously, going APESHIT with delight. I cried.

The hope is back. Its bright. And its amazing....