Friday, November 14, 2008

I am a snarky b***h

I've said this before, but it really just dawned on me. I am a snarky bitch. Its not even like i try to be. I dont try and think of snarky comments to make. Nope, my brain just goes there... all by itself. Good thing I keep a lot of my snark to myself. If that barrier I've constructed called "think before you speak" ever breaks down, I will either be reviled as the most evil of bitches on the planet... or pitied as a sufferer of Tourette's Syndrome. Don't believe me? Fine, you dumb f**k, I don't care. (See what I'm talking about? Problems.... I apologize. Really, I do.)

Seriously though, I have proof. At least, examples that serve as proof to me.

Case #235 Snarkiness Invades the Morning Commute

You know, I seriously can't be blamed for this one. People are dumb. They leave themselves open or snarky comments, and it just cant be helped. So, this morning a group of women wearing pink scrubs get on the train. I won't even venture to guess why they were all wearing pink scrubs, but seemed barely able to form sentences that sounded remotely educated sounding... but I digress. All I know is they weren't nurses. My mother has been a nurse longer than I care to out her for, and she is an extremely educated and intelligent individual. I refuse to place these people in the same category as her. Nope. won't do it. Call it pride... if it makes you feel better. Anyway, back to the snark. So all of these chicks decide to plant themselves in the seats closest to me, even though the train was nearly empty. One of them sitting behind me remarked 'its a good thing i got an early start this morning. it gave me time to do my make-up in a full mirror instead of my rearview mirror.' ***enter snark*** I lie to you not when I say the next thought that popped into my head was "Yeah, and it did your ass no good. A bigger mirror and full make up cannot fix unfortunate looking." ZING! I didn't even try to do that... it just came out. Forgive me, Lord.

Case #176 Snark Strikes at the Courthouse...
BBMo went to jail last week. Yup, ya girl had tickets, the judge was cool but the fines were a bit high. Long story short, they said if I hung out in lock up for a couple of hours, it would knock some money off my bill. Well... cool. It wasn't like county lock up with the orange jumpsuits and house shoes. I had my Crackberry, my ipod and my hubby brought me a smoked turkey on rye with muenster cheese. Ya girl was chillin. There were other peoples in there, some had issues way deeper than mine like alcoholism that resulted in their 2nd and 3rd DUI's. Then there was Mushmouth. He got this moniker because in the courtroom through the proceedings, when we were being escorted to lock up and the 2 hours i spent in lock up, this loquacious fellow wouldn't shut the hell up. This in and of itself is a problem. Add to this the fact that he sounded like he was taught to speak with the pacifier still in his mouth and that he chews on cotton balls. In lock up, I really just wanted tune the world out. But this mo-mo would not be quiet. ***enter the snark***
The fact that I named an otherwise seemingly nice person Mushmouth is snarky enough. But then I started to wonder what chick would want to spend late nights on the phone having 'sexy talk' with a voice like that? Or let a mouth like that kiss her or her 'good girl'? Like seriously, do you get any play dude? I got mad at his mama for not teaching him to properly form his words. Am I wrong for all of these thoughts? yes. But i already TOLD you, I'm a snarky bitch.

Case# 422 Ain't no body in this club to make love to.
Last night I got roped into going to one of the whackest spots in the Del Val. I hate Taylor's with the same heat as the fire of a thousand suns. Really, that place sucks. My husband calls it 'big booty marginal looking 2520 girl heaven'. His description could not be more accurate if it were a 140 page dissertation. The girls had some reasonable facsimile of the booty that has made women of color famous. They were mainly 2520's, and far too many were marginal looking. What is hilarity to me is that there were way more bitchass looking brothas in there than I would deem reasonable. But then again, the whole situation is unreasonable to me.
So last night was an exercise in snark. I cracked on errybody up in that piece. From the desperate looking 40-something women who were trying to be MILF's and epically failing to to dudes standing around having their own little snausage fests. Oh, I was HIGHLY entertained... for a while. Then I got bored. But some of my classic comments

"She may be skinny, but she still got cottage cheese all up on her thighs. She needs to quit with that damn mini."

"How in the hell is the 2520 girl rockin a JACKED up ponytail weave? Just look like she snuck up on a horse with garden shears!"

"Where are her pants?! Oh, she trying to make us think that's a mini-dress... sorry sweetie but NO."

"Why are all the dudes clustered together like that? Did we go to a high school dance and no one told me?"

"What in the hell is a NYC dress code? We in South Jersey."

"Oh that DJ KNOWS that no one is here to dance to trance music. Take that mess to NYC."

"You can't make a martini?! Its vodka and olive juice! You need to go to remedial bartending school."

"I put on for my fellow BBW's but she needs to STOP with that jumpsuit. Really ma, stop misreppin' the pretty big girls... or in your case, just big girls."

Oh I am going to PAY for my snarkiness... but oh well. I kept myself and my friends entertained. And really... that's all that matters. That and I can provide you tales of my foolishness.

peace and love...


NaturallyAlise said...

"Just look like she snuck up on a horse with garden shears!"

Classic! You are a trip fo' sho'!

Almost Doc said...

BBMo...i really feel like we should be best friends! lmao!

i am the snarkiest of bishes, i tell ya. and i dont do it on purpose either. i am often too quick for my damn self! luckily for me, though, people enjoy my snark! seriously, i dont think i would have as many friends if i were nicer. lol