Aight... I didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. I don't have cable and I was actually spending a nice evening with my in-laws and my neices and nephews.... NOT WATCHING THE AWARDS.
I didn't even get a glimpse at the Red Carpet Parade or as I like to call it, the ODE TO EGRIGIOUSLY OVER-THE-TOP FASHION SHOW... I mean seriously, the amount of jewels and dresses on that carpet could have collectively fed 3 small countires for a year. Seriously... we are in a recession folks.
But I digress.
I still love fashion and caught my breath at some of the lovely frocks I saw on my favorite starlets. In particular, I thought Teraji P. Henson looked positively GLOIROUS. As did Alicia Keys, Kate Winslet, Queen Latifah, Marisa Tomei and many others.
But then came Beyonce... in this black and gold NIGHTMARE!
Okay. I understand and give props that Bey has an amazing figure. She obviously works hard to stay in shape. Much respect. But tell me WHY must your dress be so tight? It looks like if you eat ONE shrimp, the seams on that sucker are going to be poppin like Orville Redenbacher's. And while I gave her props for her figure, don't be fooled folks. I'm not. I can SEE the lines of the corset that his whittling her waist to wasp like proportions. And I hear she may employ "booty amplifying" shape wear as well. Hey, I knock NO ONE'S hustle. I have stock in SPANX.
My next point of issue has nothing to do with the dress so much as her presentation. Bey... sweetie? This is the OSCAR'S, not your latest video shoot. You do not need to be greased up thusly. Just SHINY. Wait.... I just realized something. She was prally greased up like to help her slide into that dress. That's the only way I can see that frock happening on ANYONE.
Now... for the most egrigeous of errors.... the gold leaf foiled multi-fabric, looks like some tacky curtains print. This dress looks like the couch at Dona Guiliano's house. For those of you who don't live in NJ, this is the ex-wife of a famous Mafia don. She is the epitome of tacky and would probably buy this dress off of Bey to transform it into some curtains**.
**this part is totally made up, but if it were real, trust, it would happen. this dress is just THAT tacky**
So who do we blame for this fashion horror....? Its a repeat offender folks. MAMA TINA!! That's right... Tina Knowles. Goodness, this woman and tacky are like Frick and Frack. They just GO TOGETHER.
That's right... this dress is House of Damnitswrong-er I mean Dereon Coture.
I am a lover of coture and have a couple of coture gowns. But you couldn't PAY me enough gold bullion to wear this sucker. Especially since the gold you would pay me with is already in the damn dress.
Bey, for this dress... and that HORRIBLE "Diva" video, you get the "SAT THE HELL DOWN AWARD."
Tina Knowles is on her way to getting the "Tackyness Lifetime Acheivement Award."