Thursday, May 05, 2005

Its been a long time...

Shouldn't have left you, without a hot beat to step to. LOL
What's up good people. I has indeed been a long time, nary 2 months since I last shared myself with you all. A lot has happened since then. I turned 25, ended yet ANOTHER relationship and resigned from my job. YEP. Lot's of life changes. But they're all for the positive I believe.
Rather than belabor you all with updates on each of those three significant events, I'd rather like to share some of the revelations that I have had as of late. Maybe its that whole "turning a quarter century old" thing or that "taking stock of life" thing but I've learned some hard lessons recently, and I've arrived at a place of considerable peace.

Revelation #1: Never define yourself by your job.

I was always a person who's self worth came from being regarded as highly intelligent and a high achiever. When I was going through the difficulty of my early teens, I felt that the only thing I had going for me were my brains. Even as my definition of self expanded to include my sparkling personality and KILLER good looks (hee), I still placed a lot of value on being a high acheiver. However, I have learned that no matter how well you do in life (and for someone who just turned 25, I've done a lot) there are people who, for whatever reason, seek to destroy your confidence in your ablities. My mother (and many others around me) attribute that phenomenon to the fact that I am a young Black woman who is on the come up... and although we're not living in the 50's anymore, there are still people who are uncomfortable with that idea. I encountered those people in my most recent job.
I loved my job. I loved what I did. It was challenging, stimulating and I worked with a lot of good people. However there were some who were just plain phony... one could argue even borderline evil. These were the people who had their hands on the puppet strings and were forcing me to dance a little jig for them.
The misery came when I started letting their ideas about me crowd out my own perception of self. It came to the point of being physically ill at the thought of going back to that place for another 9 hours that was the straw the broke the camel's back.
It was either me or them and since I have no desire to spend time in a place that makes me miserable OR catch a case for going "postal,"I left. It's funny the things you find out when you leave. Those people who really cared about what happened to you (and you may not have who they were while you were there) and those who were so ready to be rid of you. But in any case, I learned a lot about myself and what I can do... but more importantly I learned about people and what they are capable of. The world-- especially the business world-- is a funny place.

Revelation #2- Never compromise yourself to make someone else happy.

Guilty, guilty, GUILTY as charged! I'm not sure when it happened, but I know the EXACT moment that realized I handed over my values in order to maintain a realtionship. That ultimately became unhealthy. All the sweet talk and sweet gestures mean NOTHING if you lose yourself in a relationship. When my ex- beau disappeared on me (the cirmumstances of which are pretty damn ugly-- we'll just say it involved legal issues) it gave me time to really process what had been going on during the course of our 5 month relationship. Being the classically trained economist that I am, I did a cost benefit analysis. I had been giving away pieces of myself and getting very little of him in return. The costs outweighed the benefits by an astronomical scale. Not to metion that we came from two completely different back grounds and while that should never define the ultimate success of the relationship, if you are not headed in the same direction, then you're headed for disaster. That being said, I had to end it with him. He's still trying to win me back, telling me that he's going to change whatever he needs to... but if he's changing for me and not himself, then its not going to last. The minute he thinks he has me, he'll go right back to his old ways. That's just not good enough for me.

Revelation#3: Keep yourself grounded however you need to.

Maybe this should be number 1. Whatever you turn to recenter yourself (be it your sprituality or somthing like that) make sure you make it a consistent part of your daily life. I am amazed at that amount of peace I have despite the fact that I am currently unemployed, decidedly single and 5 years off of 30. If not for my deep spiritual roots, I would be a complete basket case right now. This is so not where I saw myself at 25, but I'm ok. I was the girl who planned out life to the very last detail and no where in my plan did this scenario exist. Peace that passes all understanding, that's what I've got and its worth more than gold.
Remember that no matter how bad life seems right now, it could definitely be worse. You could be dead.

So there are some things I have come to understand. For those of you who already understand these things, then I am happy that I finally have some of the same wisdom you do. For those of you still struggling with these issues, I hope this helps you.

Peace and Love....

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