Verbal Evisceration of a Racist Mofo

Aight, so I was over the the freshxpress.com and stubled across this article. You should go over and take a gander, but for the quick and dirty, it is a post of an article written in response to a columnist on the conservative website townhall.com (I'll be damned if Imma link that horse shit to my page... you gon' have to get over there the old fashioned way).

In essence, this "writer" said the following about our magnificent First Lady:
- She is a racist (the ghost of the Right Reverend Wright strikes again!)
-She got her educational opportunities because of Affirmative Action
-She got her prominent career and impressive resume because of Affirmative Action
-She's a "James Brown Look-A-Like"
-She's a bitch

Oh, but it gets better. He also says the following:
"If we were a racist society, Oprah Winfrey, your fairy godmother, certainly wouldn’t be a billionaire; she’d be fetching someone’s mint julep. And Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice wouldn’t grow up to be secretaries of state; they’d be sweeping out the stables. And Will Smith and Denzel Washington wouldn’t be movie stars; they’d be in the fields picking cotton."

Before I pop off and get out of pocket... first, a prayer:

Dear Sweet Lord Jesus,
Thank you so much for creating the shallow end of the gene pool, and those it has begotten. Thank you for allowing them to be an endless flow of fodder when I have nothing else to write about. I pray Lord, that my words cut deep, cut true, and are hilarious. And please Lord, keep me in the Land of IGNANT, and deliver me from the Valley of Ignorance. In Your Precious Name, AMEN.

Now, I sauntered my way over to townhall.com just to take a look around. I like to research the places/people/things that I am about to verbally eviscerate. Never let it be said that I don't do my homework.

My first issue is mainly surface: Why is that site so BUSY? I mean, my eyes rebelled against me for making them try to take in too much disorganization at once. They were ready to quit me for abusing them. Just too much crammed into too little space. And poorly laid out. But I have noticed that many conservative sites, including our own Faux News, tend to be like this. I have theories as to why... but that is a whole nother post all by its lonsome.

Now, lets get to the duqois and foie gras of my rant.

First... I am WELL AWARE that this was an opinion column, and that people are entitled to their opinions... no matter how ludicrous, baseless and assinine they may be. However, when a person's opinions are hateful, full of vitriol and most importantly based in complete FALSEHOODS... well, I'mma take it upon my chocolate brown, baby faced 5'7" self to choke 'em up by the collar and shake some sense into their azz. Its my duty and I do it for the people.

Y'all know me... I'm a fan of methodical ranting. Let's deal with the ignorant (Not IGNANT) statements about our first lady.

Aight... seriously, this racist bit is old. Just stop it. Not because racism doesn't exist because it does (as so aptly exemplified by the writer of the column) but because folks are just GETTING IT WRONG. *sigh* Must I go through this... AGAIN? Alright, for all the dolts out there who CONTINUE to use it wrong... click the link below.

racism

As the definition implies, in order to be racist, you must be in a group that has been given cause to find itself superior to another group, and therefore design de facto or de jure methods of subjugating an inferior group. Therefore, MINORITIES BY DEFINITION CANNOT BE RACIST. Moron.

But beyond semantics, let's get literal, shall we? Pointing out and describing a country's history of systematic disenfranchisment of minority groups does not make a person racist. Offering ideas an policies to correct hundreds of years of 'un-leveling' the playing field does not make a person racist. Calling people on the carpet and demanding they face their legacy and acknowledge it for what it is DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON RACIST. It makes them a truth teller. And as the author so pointedly descibed of his critics and their reaction to his verbal diarrhea, truth tellers aren't popular.

In addition, the writer of this here column states that since she was sitting in Reverend Wright's pews, was married by and had her babies baptized by him, she's got to be racist. Because he's racist. Let it never be said that this writer ain't consistent. He finds a theory that works and hammers away at it.
Look, I was raised by my mother for the first 18 years of my life. She happens to think I look lovely in the color yellow and dressed me in it for years (until I rebelled and started dressing like a chola... but that's another story). Guess what... I HATE the way I look in yellow. STILL. TO THIS DAY. She never indoctrinated me with her love for the color. Michelle and other intelligent folks are not vacuous holes for which indoctrination is ripe and ready to be poured into-- unless they're conservative columnists (sorry, I couldn't resist). The woman can have an independent thought and **gasp** disagree with her pastor. I disagree with mine all the time. It makes for lively debate.

Her education and career are due soley to Affirmative Action-- let's just kill two birds with this one masive boulder and move the fuck on, shall we? According to the U.S. Government, the largest beneficiary group of Affirmative Action is.... wait for it... Caucasian WOMEN. Not Black People. Not Asians. And its a matter of simple mathematics. Affirmative Action was designed to level the playing field for all marginalized groups... this includes Caucasian Women. Now... it is fact that Caucasian people in America vastly outnumber of African American people. So doesn't it mathematcially hold that Caucasian women would outnumber, AT THE VERY LEAST, the number of Black women who are benefitting from Aff. Act? Yeah.... SOMEONE needs to go back and study basic probability and statistics one more time. Since I am an epidemiologist by profession, I offer tutoring for $45 /hr.

Never mind that he insulted the woman's (and every other educated black person's) intelligence in that one stupid line. You, sir are OUT OF ORDER for that one.

First Lady Michelle Obama is a James Brown Doppleganger and therefore un-attractive.

I'mma take a line from my favorite show, The Boondocks. "Are you BLIND?"-Grandad

First of all... WHAT? This is un attractive?
Scusemesaywhatnah? Her figure is killer, her hair is lustrous--my gawt LOOK AT THOSE ARMS! Her sense of style is daring, yet charming. And she has a lovely smile.

Yeah.... she may not be his ideal, but she's certainly Barak's and last time I checked, HE'S the POTUS. Ain't nobody checking for the author's lumpy gray balding azz. **aside**Oh that's right, you're still sore about the beauty pageant LOSER (to a Black girl) cum weathergirl cum governor from Alaska. Doesn't matter that she was dumber than a box of rocks... just so long as she steamed up the white house Chrismas photos in a Santa's Little Helper outfit, right? Fukkouttaherewitthatshit.

And just for the record.... how many first ladies were deemed HAWT? Laura? Don't think so. Hilary? Nope. Barbara? HA! Nancy?? Not a snowballs chance in Hades. But there are plenty of straight men (since this particular brand of his vitriol was for my Gay BFF's) who would GLADLY steal Chelly from Barry. Make no mistake about that, hombre.

She's a bitch. Okay.... this is just plain old lazy. I mean really, he lowered himself to school yard name calling? And using the anti-creative "bitch" as the insult of choice? Yeah, he's a lazy bitchazz for just calling her a bitch for bitch-calling's sake. He ain't creative. He ain't clever. He ain't funny. He's just a crotchety old mysoginist azzhole.

Oh and I didn't forget about this part: "If we were a racist society, Oprah Winfrey, your fairy godmother, certainly wouldn’t be a billionaire; she’d be fetching someone’s mint julep. And Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice wouldn’t grow up to be secretaries of state; they’d be sweeping out the stables. And Will Smith and Denzel Washington wouldn’t be movie stars; they’d be in the fields picking cotton."

Welsah thank yuh mighty much mista suh fo' lettin us po negros come and try and do some things to make something of our otherwise pointless lives. We sho does 'preshiate u lettin is into yo schools, yo neighborhoods and yo' companies. We just prays tuh Almighty Gawd that we don't mess ovuh the chance that you doned given us tuh make sumthing of ourselvses. Thank you Suh! Thank ya!

Oh yeah, and FUCK YOU.

Epic Roast-- Hairy Moobs.

Hello Lovlies!!!!

Okay... I have to apologize for being MIA (and my appearances will continue to be sporadic till round about mid-June) but its been rough on the plantation. Much tings a gwan in the world of Tuberculosis this time of year.

But I had to stop through with this little gem o foolishness... a roast of EPIC PROPORTIONS of picture of a member of a certain Greek organization at an event. Argh!

Me and my ePosse had a ball with this one. The offender's indentity has been blocked out to protect... well... EVERYONE.

**Begin Roast**

BBMo: Warning.... retinal assault in 5....4...3....2...1.....
















PBG: I hate EVERYTHING!!!
Thanks for the daymares, BBMo!!

8th Wonder: I know him. Its worse in real life, and he tries to hug me at hot summer picnics looking just like that. FML.

PBG: you have my sympathies. I would be tryin' to throw the nasty potato salad that nobody will admit to making on his puzzling ass and make my escape! His body hair follicles look segregated.

Luvvie: My inner eye is JUST developed cataract. Damn. My 3rd eye just went blind for this. What did I do to deserve this morning visual ass whooping? I, Luvvie, hereby declare BlackBerry Molasses, a faux-friend. If you loved me, you wouldnt have sent that.
P.S.
Why do his man tits look like coconuts w/ pube hair? I mean, he couldn't get an s-curl kit and work it out? He selfish. And my condolences to you, 8th. If he tried to hug me, I'd prolly fall to the floor and writhe around, like scarlet did when she tumbled off the table.

BBMo: OMG 8th, you KNOW him?? I am SOOOOOO SORRY. I didn't mean to make you remember horrors. Really. I am SORRY!!!! **wall slide**

8th Wonder: Yes girl, we're real cool with the Ques in this area, so I see that shirtless fool all the time. Yall think its bad when he's standing still, imagine how it gets when he's strolling and hopping.
Oh god. I just threw up in my mouth a lil bit.

PBG: Aif Wondra...I can't even think of a suitable punishment for you for giving me that imagery on this day that the Lord has made.

ZeeBaby: You gonna try and KILL me knowing the recession is just waiting for me to fall down? I don't even know what to say! Mine eyes! Mine active imagination! MY PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.

8th Wonder: bounce bounce

BBMo: **winces and clutches stomach** I think my stomach just decided to quit me, effective IMMEDIATELY.

If that wasn't enough, me and PBG continued on an extended roast as an aside....

****PBG and BBMo's Aside*******

PBG: Mmmhmm my mind's eye lost it's ability to blink after that

BBMo: sorry... but i warned y'all of the visual assault. you know the f*ckery i perpetuate

PBG: honestly, iCackled

BBMo: that picture was JARRING like, it made me stop speaking in mid sentence made me stop thinking in mid thought

PBG: made me stop breathing in mid breath!

BBMo: just made me stop arrested all higher level brain function and lower level as well... dang it, that picture nearly took my LIFE that's why I sent it! if you heard I was dead, i wanted y'all to know who killed me

PBG: evidence that's right, leave a trail for CSI

BBMo: exactly. i wasn't just inadvertently perpetuating jackassery.... i was making sure he got what was coming to him!! an s-curl chest treatment, and a gym membership.

PBG: he needs a flamin hot body wax and powerful prayer

BBMo: I like em big.....but his tiddays can NOT rival mine in size JUST NO

PBG: Dude got me beat

BBMo: He looks like he's AT LEAST a C-Cup... da hell?

PBG: he'd need a strap extender tho

BBMo: you ain't neva lied!! I haven't seen a 64 C even in specialty bra shops

PBG: nope, not ever

BBMo: them hairy jimsens in a bra??? *shudders* nah, he need a sport camisole with an underwire so I don't see cleavage, because I'd throw up. my mind's eye would throw up. my future children would throw up

PBG: my ancestors would call fuckery

BBMo: and Aif KNOWS him?!?!?! I am sad for her lifespace he tries to hug her SECURITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PBG: I'd beat his ass w/a badmitton racket if he ran up on me @ a picnic

BBMo: OMG if I saw him coming I would seriously take off in the other direction.... while calling 911

PBG: him is scary @ me

BBMo: soooooooooooooo scary @ me just all outta order... outta pocket...he got me out of thin air

PBG: that just needs to be covered up. at all times in bed, in the park, in the shower

BBMo: I heard he's a Philly bruh... if I SEEEEES him, Imma run up on him with a XXXXL black t-shirt and just throw it over his head and keep running!! and I'mma slide him a coupon for wal-mart... so he can keep his wardrobe fully stocked for the LAWD as my witness, that picture shall NEVER happen AGAIN

We some ignant asses.... ain't we?
Catch y'all on the flip!!

Love,
The Molasses One.

Video Review: Blame It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYc875zkDxg

Jaime Foxx is my homeboy. Really. I love his arrogant ass to pieces (though I would never hang out with him. His ego would suffocate me.)

I just got done listening to his two most recent offerings to Top 40 and Urban Radio... Blame It and Just Like Me.

Both these songs are ignant as hell... but who said that all music had to be deep? People say this is a recent phenomenon of the industry being about product and profit, not the music... but Brickhouse is one of my favorite songs and it talks about a woman's measurements. It doesn't mean that it hasn't gotten worse with time, but not all music is meant to be soul piercing. Sometimes you just wanna have a funky good time. (Aside: I think the industry has gotten more about promoting pretty faces that can't carry a tune worth a damn-- but that's just me.)

Which brings me to the vid for 'Blame It'. First off... I like this song. I know music snobs, including my own mate, will give me the stinkeye for this statement... but I don't care. The beat cranks and when it comes on in the car, I turn it up.

But that doens't mean I don't recognize it for being ignant and slightly insulting... I mean "I was unaware how fine you was before my buzz set in?" The f*ck? I'm supposed to be flattered you needed beer goggles to find me cute?? Ummmm... NEXT.

But I digress... the video. That is what I came here to speak on. And speak on it I shall.

First off... this video is directed by Hype Williams. Hype.Williams. Dang, this niglet is still around? Wasn't his heyday like... 14 years ago??? I knew it was a Hype Williams vid before I even saw the credits? Know how? Homie was a wanna-be features director who specialized in "big willies in the club" and "who's who of hip hop" vids. In this vid, he combined to two and to it to the NEXT F*CKING LEVEL.

Now this isn't entirely Hype's fault. I blame Jamie. He decided to one up the 'who's who of hip hop' concept.... WELCOME TO THE WHO'S WHO OF "A-LIST HOLLYWOOD" or "OSCAR WINNERS' NIGHT OUT". Just parading his Hollywood homies all up in his music video *smdh*

The Cast (I sh*t you not):

Jake Gyllenhaal- Jakes appearance perplexed and vexed me a little. I mean, there were other's thatALL THE WAY MORE don't belong but Jake just looked like his boys lied to him about the kind of club they were going to. He looks like he was expecting "Hip" and got "Hood". That's not to say he didn't look good. He's a 2520 who could GET IT! (Aside: All the 'attractive' genes were spent on him. Maggie is a great actress but... )

Forest Whitaker- WHY IS HE IN THIS VID??!?! Just lookin' like a father looking for his wayward daughter at the club. I look at him and see the Last King of Scotland and the Great Debators all at the same time. Just NO. Take your Oscars and Golden Globes back to the house and sat the f*ck down. Your baby girl is at the house, getting ready for her debutante ball. She ain't at the hood spot. Go home.

Ron Howard- Remember that Sesame Street segment "One of these things just doesn't belong?" His appearance elicited the strongest "WHAT.THE.F*CK" I have ever uttered when watching a video. The wispy thinning strawberry blonde locks stretched across his non existent super receded hair line coupled with the "whack-ass pedophile sexy" look..... **shivers** He just looked all kinds of ot of place! I mean really... RON F*CKING "OPIE TAYLOR" HOWARD in a JAMIE FOXX VIDEO. Just WRONG.

Sameuel L. Jackson- This man truly is the hardest working man in Hollywood. I mean, he's doing music videos now. Gotta get that paper and earn that cheese, right? I must say, he looked the least out of place... which is scary @ me because he's old enough to be my GRANDPA. Oh well Sammie Jack... do you.

These cats just get the "You so GOTDAYUM TIRED. Sit the F*ck Down and Shut the F*ck Up" Award

Bill Bellamy- Homie, you done had the same hair for 20 years... take a look at the "man in the mirror." Maybe its time to "Make that Change"... its gonna feel real good... Shelmore! *MJ crotch grab*

Morris Chestnut-- rockin the Bald look...um... yeah, your sexy quotient is -210 after this. You don't got the head shape or face for it. Just NO.

Quincy Jones--really Grandpa? You breathe new life into the "Old Dude at the Club" joke. Eff your legendary status. YOU ARE A GREAT GRANDPA.

Cedric the Entertainer- Just STOP IT.

Bit Players

Pop 'n Lock Girl-- she looks like she's someone on the production team's baby sister who can pop it and lock it. They decided to let her be up in the vid. Whippin that pony tail weave extra hard. They LEAST they could have done for her is give her a decent weave and a cute top. I mean really... compared to the rest of the girls in the vid... she looks like a dude.... in drag. Po' thang. (you get a good face shot of her at the end of the video-- I AM MAD AT THE PRODUCERS FOR HER).

T-Pain-- It was your dumbass idea for Jamie to use Auto Tune, wasn't it? You ridin his actual singing talent like a rodeo by making it so that folk can't tell when you are 'singing' and when Jamie is singing. Because see... Jamie Foxx can actually sing. Yeah, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE WITH THAT SH*T. Oh yea.... and YOU ARE NOT SEXY. So please stop the 'oral sex simulations' with your scary ass grill. And shotgunning Nuvo on the dancefloor= Wack Ass Ninja. Stop that sh*t... yesterday! Please and thank you.

Miscellaneous Offenses

The Giant Dancing Panda-- This vexxed me Jamie. I was just all kind of vexxed wit this.
Jamie, what the F*CK you been smoking dawg? Where can I get some? Because seriously, what would a giant dancing panda be doing in even the most random of clubs? That head must have been hot as Hades because you were workin it in that panda head. But.... why??

Red Light Special--Why was everything red? I mean... the whole video looked like it was "that time of the month." Do you know how many faces red lighting is flattering on? Not a one. Because even the 'cute' girls were kinda lookin... "eh", in that lighting. Particularly if they were dark skinned, like your 'love interest' (and Imma get to her in a second). I feel like this "red" thing was Hype's attempt at a "concept lighting scheme". Ummm.. Hype? That wasn't avant garde... it was PAINFUL.

Sunglasses In the Club-- Why must you perpetuate this sh*t like it is okay? It is NOT OKAY. Why are u (and everybody else) wearing sunglasses at night ((enter Cory Hart's song))? You can't see nothin. Look... Ray was a great movie but its like the Sopranos. Its OVER! Get a new show!

Big Willi-isms, Girl on Girl Action and Bottle Poppin in VIP--Really? We are STILL doing this? Fa real? Nothin else to show off about how cool it is to be in VIP....... **sad face**

Your 'Love' Interest-- I suppose I'm supposed to give you Kudos for choosing a dark sista to be your 'love' interest over some racially ambiguous chick. But I see it for what it is... PANDERING. Maybe you do really love the dark sistas... and she was pretty (though that is up for debate given the layers of cake on her face and horse hair on her head). But still, given the lyrics "I was unaware how fine you was before my buzz set in".... yeah... f*ck you.
*doesn't she look like two COMPLETELY different girls here?*

So.... did I miss anything?

Proudly Rockin' The Red Pump

Hey There My Lovlies!!!!

So, for those of you who don't know, my bread-earning position is in the field of Public Health. I specifically work with infectious diseases such as Tuberculosis (TB) (my disease du guerre) and HIV as an epidemiologist.

Its interesting that people are not aware of the fact that TB is still a disease of public health significance in America and indeed, the rest of the world, but it is understandable. For years, TB flew under the radar as an illness that few people got... or rather few people in the United States of America got. However, with the appearance of HIV and the shrinking of the globe due to increased immigrantion and travel, TB is making a comeback.

Today, Tuesday March 10 is National Women/Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. It is a part of the celebration of Womens History Month (yes, folks, March is Women's History Month!), designed to increase awarness, knowledge and the like about HIV/AIDS, particularly in regards to women.

HIV/AIDS infection continues to disproportionately affect women, particularly heterosexual, minority women. As such, this day holds extreme importance to me personally... since I am heterosexual, minority and female. I'm not going to give a rundown of statistics pertaining to this when you can visit The Red Pump Project and read them for yourself (Aside: Thanks to Luvvie and Karyn for putting this together... you all are phenoms of woman-dom!!)

What I am going to do is give you a brief perspective on HIV/AIDS given my work in the field of Tuberculosis Control. Hang on to your socks kids, because this might get link-happy!!

For many years, TB was on a steady decline in the USA.

With the advent of new and better antibiotics, TB was thought to be on the path of diseases like Polio and Smallpox-- the path to ELIMINATED DISEASE LAND. However, in the mid 1980's a strange spike in TB cases in the US was observed... and that spike became a continued elevation that peaked in the early 1990's. What triggered this resurgence of TB cases was the EMRGENCE of HIV.

Many people know that HIV stands for Human Immunodificiency Virus, but few know what that REALLY means. HIV SPECIFCICALLY infects and destroys CD4 white cells... the blood cells in the body that are your main defense against infectious agents. As HIV multiplies and reinfects those cells, a person's immune system becomess esentially non-existent and they are susceptible to agents that normally would not make them sick. These are called Opportunistic Infections.

Tuberculosis is an interesting animal in this sequence. The fact is that BILLIONS of people the world over are already infected with the TB bacterium Mycobacterium tuberculosis. This is called Latent Tuberculosis Infection (LTBI). However, they are not sick because their bodies are able to mount a defense and wall off the bacteria. When a person becomes infected with HIV, those defenses disappear, and the person rapidly proceeds from LTBI to having active TB disease. TB is DEADLY when not diagnosed and treated. The problem for clinicians when treating HIV infected folk is that since their immune systems are not functioning properly, TB can be ravaging their body, and they will have NO SYMPTOMS.

Both the CDC and the WHO stress the importance of controlling TB ot reduce HIV/AIDS deaths. In fact, since 1990 TB has been the single most contributing factor to HIV/ AIDS deaths in Sub-Saharan Africa and South East Asia.

This alone is staggering, but consider that after years of decline, HIV infection rates in the US have begun to slowly rise again, ESPECIALLY among minority women. This is TERRIFYING. People have become complacent. They think that because they see people people who are living longer, healthier lives with HIV infection that it is no longer a problem. That it is in fact cured. While HIV is no longer an automatic death sentence, living with it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. People who are on HIV Antiretroviral Therapy (called HAART- Highly Active Anti-Retroviral Therapy), must take an extensive cocktail of drugs, watch their diet and health CLOSELY and will have to do so for the rest of their lives.

The work of HIV prevention is far from over. The struggle continues to save lives.

So today, take a moment to educate someone about HIV prevention. Take a moment to remember those who are affected by HIV/AIDS in your community, in your city, and the rest of the World. Discuss risky behaviors and practice Safer Sex. And let your inner fashionista/activist get her Red Pump Rockin' On!

But don't forget... once this day passes, the problem hasn't gone away. HIV is still a huge public health concern, and the better people are educated about it, the closer we are to sending HIV and TB to ELIMINATED DISEASE LAND.

Oh and if you are in Philly and don't know your status, Health Center #1 at 500 S. Broad Street (Broad and Lombard) has FREE RAPID TESTING. Come on down and Get in the KNOW. I can't promise that I will test you, but our staff is kind, professional and it is completely confidential.

Ignant Ass Shyt or LAWD JEEBUS FORGIVE ME!

So... here is a convo betwixt me and my blogfriend the PBG.

Lord, forgive me, but I really couldn't help it.


BBMo: i just seent the MOST ARID HAIR HAT... on a white woman. I fell out in the middle of the street PBG: good lord
BBMo: it looked completely devoid of all moisture... yet it was blowin in the wind
PBG: probably looked like straw
BBMo: my stomach hurts from laughing... Lord forgive me
PBG: dehydrated cornsilk
BBMo: it looked like a beaver had taken up residence on her head
PBG: minus the silky quite twig like
BBMo: and it was going to jump off and attack somebody
PBG: feral hair hat
BBMo: logging trees and making dams and shyt
PBG: you may need to call the city on all that
BBMo: methinks you are correct Hello? City of Philadelphia? We have an arid beaver problem! Its taken up residence on some woman's head! Call animal control!!!
PBG: "It's finna get meeee! HALP!"
BBMo: girl.. play dead just lay there and try not to breathe it'll sniff you and walk away
PBG: ball up in the fetal position and pray to BBJ that he controls his woodland creatures
BBMo: Please BBJ, be a provider of a nice juicy stack of twigs for this beaver on this woman's head so that it may leave me in peace Amen
PBG: Amen!
BBMo: whooo, I feel better the beaver hat was so scary at me
PBG: i wish u had gotten a pic of it
BBMo: MAN I wish!!!!!I woulda stamped it... EPIC FAIL


We ignant and all kinds of WRONG. Lord Jesus... forgive us...

Happiness Is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1j-1Ww6K4g
(apparently, embedding is disabled, but click this link first)

**this is a reprint of something I posted on Very Smart Brothas today. Subject: How to be happy**

I love happiness.

I love when people call and ask me how I’m doing and I can genuinely say… “I’m doing great!”
But being happy is not a static state of being. It is a process, a journey of self discovery if you will.

When I was younger, I thought the key to happiness was to have the right STUFF. The right car, home, clothes, hair etc. Now, while I enjoy being surrounded by nice things (I am a Taurus after all), I have joyfully discovered the keys to happiness — forgive me if i repeat what others have
said.

1. Be thankful. We live in one of the richest countries in the world. Be grateful for everything… even the problems. Because trust, someone out there can only DREAM of having what you have. Do you know that if you make $28,000 USD, you are among the top 10% wealthiest people in the World? I looked around my home and realized that a family of 15 would GLADLY live in my space. TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED.

2. Love, love, love. And I’m not talking about romantic love here (although that adds to your happiness, if it is true and pure). Love people. Realize that no matter how douchey someone is being, chances are its a manifestation of hurt, anger and loneliness. So do your best to love them. That means be cordial, smile, and have an open spirit. Sometimes, people are looking for someone to love them– simply by recognizing their humanity.

3. Laugh. Alot. A whole lot. At the dumbest things. Remember funny stuff, tuck it away and retrieve it when life is getting you down. At the very least, it will make you crack a smile, even in the midst of tears.

4. Nourish your soul–however you decide to do that. Connect with your spirituality. Pour yourself into you passions. Share time and space with people who lift you up, yet keep it real with you. A well fed soul is a happy soul.

5. Take care of your physical self. Eat well. Exercise. Maintain your appearance, but DON’T OBSESS. Nothing says self- love like self-care. And people who love themselves (and are not narcisscists) radiate happiness and are able to share love.

6. Live your life like your breath could be taken fom you tomorrow. None of us are promised that we will wake up the next morning when we lay our heads down at night. Truly makes you think about making the most of every moment you have

House of 'Damn Its Wrong" Strikes Again

**before I get started, all you Bey fans Go.Sat.Down. I am not a Bey hater... just a hater of her wrong ass fashion choices.**

Aight... I didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. I don't have cable and I was actually spending a nice evening with my in-laws and my neices and nephews.... NOT WATCHING THE AWARDS.

I didn't even get a glimpse at the Red Carpet Parade or as I like to call it, the ODE TO EGRIGIOUSLY OVER-THE-TOP FASHION SHOW... I mean seriously, the amount of jewels and dresses on that carpet could have collectively fed 3 small countires for a year. Seriously... we are in a recession folks.

But I digress.

I still love fashion and caught my breath at some of the lovely frocks I saw on my favorite starlets. In particular, I thought Teraji P. Henson looked positively GLOIROUS. As did Alicia Keys, Kate Winslet, Queen Latifah, Marisa Tomei and many others.

But then came Beyonce... in this black and gold NIGHTMARE!

Okay. I understand and give props that Bey has an amazing figure. She obviously works hard to stay in shape. Much respect. But tell me WHY must your dress be so tight? It looks like if you eat ONE shrimp, the seams on that sucker are going to be poppin like Orville Redenbacher's. And while I gave her props for her figure, don't be fooled folks. I'm not. I can SEE the lines of the corset that his whittling her waist to wasp like proportions. And I hear she may employ "booty amplifying" shape wear as well. Hey, I knock NO ONE'S hustle. I have stock in SPANX.

My next point of issue has nothing to do with the dress so much as her presentation. Bey... sweetie? This is the OSCAR'S, not your latest video shoot. You do not need to be greased up thusly. Just SHINY. Wait.... I just realized something. She was prally greased up like to help her slide into that dress. That's the only way I can see that frock happening on ANYONE.

Now... for the most egrigeous of errors.... the gold leaf foiled multi-fabric, looks like some tacky curtains print. This dress looks like the couch at Dona Guiliano's house. For those of you who don't live in NJ, this is the ex-wife of a famous Mafia don. She is the epitome of tacky and would probably buy this dress off of Bey to transform it into some curtains**.

**this part is totally made up, but if it were real, trust, it would happen. this dress is just THAT tacky**

So who do we blame for this fashion horror....? Its a repeat offender folks. MAMA TINA!! That's right... Tina Knowles. Goodness, this woman and tacky are like Frick and Frack. They just GO TOGETHER.

That's right... this dress is House of Damnitswrong-er I mean Dereon Coture.

I am a lover of coture and have a couple of coture gowns. But you couldn't PAY me enough gold bullion to wear this sucker. Especially since the gold you would pay me with is already in the damn dress.

Bey, for this dress... and that HORRIBLE "Diva" video, you get the "SAT THE HELL DOWN AWARD."

Tina Knowles is on her way to getting the "Tackyness Lifetime Acheivement Award."

Birthday Shout Out

A HAPPY SNAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT TO...

"Tina"! She is my youngest blog fan (that I am aware of--- that's right, I'm calling out the lurkers) and daughter of one of my blog-friends, The Pretty Brown Girl
.
Clearly you are a well raised young lady, especially if you are a fan of my random musings... LOL!

I hope you had a wonderful and blessed day so far, lady. You still got 7.5 hours! Enjoy!

Peace and love,
The Retrospect

P.S. I tried to post the Stevie Wonder birthday song, and it crashed blogger.... so make sure someone sings it to you today on my behalf.

If that was your attempt at humor.... EPIC FAIL

Okay folks.... time for another rant. Is it me, or are my co-workers banding together in a madcap plot to piss me the HELL off?? Must be, because they are testing my Christianity right now.

Alright, so part of my job, randomly enough, is producing a quarterly newsletter that gets sent out to local healthcare providers and other insitutions in the public health network.

What is supposed to happen is that I am to ask my fellow workers to contribute articles, so I don't end up writing the whole thing myself. What REALLY happens is... I write the whole thing myself.
In fact, the last issue was LITERALLY authored by yours truly in its ENTIRETY. The reason this happens is because while its a priority to me and maybe the medical director and CDC appointee, everyone else could give a flying fuck. That is... until someone calls and asks why they haven't gotten an issue. THEN it becomes an 'issue' and people look at me crosseyed. So I stare at them right back.

Anywho, all this background leads to what happened today... and why our Program Director can go KICK ROCKS. So, he sends me a laundry list of items he wants included in the newsletter, in particular an item focused on our personnel change. Our former pediatric consultant is doin' it BIG at the World Health Organization and we have a new pediatric consultant. PD man wanted me to include a few notes on our new doc. No Problem.... happy to oblige.

I figured he could give me one or two talking points about her, since he is privvy to her CV... I mean, he hired her after all. The reason I asked him rather than the source is that she is NOT full time, serves in two other positions at two other hospitals... and I still haven't figured out where her desk is. Besides, time is of the essence and she isn't here much, because she is so busy. When she's here, she is holding clinic for our pediatric patients-- off site. Moreover, his exact wording was "Include some points from her CV."

Yeah, so I send him a polite e mail asking for some help and this is the in person response I get back

"Seems to me you should be asking her."

The FUCK?!?!

If this is your attempt at humor homie, you FAIL. EPICALLY. That wasn't funny. It was snide. Your ass NEVER contributes an article (though you call sending me a laundry list of things to include "writing the newsletter for me") and now when I nicely ask for a LITTLE help, you answer me thusly?

I talked to my frat brother, who also works in my department (and has for many years) and he was like "Yep, that's B. Don't take it personal"

But it is personal. The way you relate to people directly influences whether or not they are comfortable around you. And I'm not terribly comfortable around him. Which wouldn't matter all that much except that HE is the person who has to approve EVERYTHING we do. Studies, spending, meetings, etc.... gotta ask B.

*sigh*
I was just reminded why, outside of essential conversation, I NEVER speak to this man. iCan't, iWon't, iShan't.... you ain't putting my spritual eternity and the future of my job in jeopardy cuz your threatened by a woman half your age who has twice the accomplishments... NO SIR.

Ol Stiff Whack Ass Dry Office Humor Lookin' Face....

Okay, I'm better now. Sort of.

Sweet Vindication

So... my post last friday about my oversensitive co-worker calling me out via e mail?

This is the e mail my supervisor sent in response:

T,

Please support C-------- on this. There is a lot of frustration on her part by the lack of follow-up by field staff. There are basic standards for field follow-up and she's just trying to get her job done.

She shouldn't be put in a position where field staff criticize her for doing things the right way and in a timely fashion.

Please reply to C and set him straight.

Thanks,

D

And I didn't have to to a gotdang thang!!!!

The LAWD is GOOD!

Amen, and amen.

Keep Your Worries

Oversensitive asshats piss me off. Really. They just need to DIE.

Today I got an offensive response to a completely innocuous e mail I sent regarding a meeting I am holding with my staff next week. Basically it said this is the time and date, this is what needs to be done to prep, come prepared to discuss XYZ... Thanks!

Here is the response I got:

"C-------, the tone of your message sounds like a commanding officer marshalling orders to the troops."

Tha HUH??!?!?!?!

Lawdamussy! Methinks someone took their "Oversensitive Pills" this morning.

Not only was the response sent to me... no, no. This person decided to hit the 'Reply to All' button.

This is how I addressed their response:

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand. Please explain what you mean.

Thanks,
C---------."

I also kindly did NOT hit the "Reply to all" button... but did deftly BCC the Program Director, so that he would be privy to the FOOLYWANG of it all, when I approach him about this later today.

BTW.... if you think being oversensitive is a female or gay male trait... this person is a 40-something year old Nigerian male with CHILDREN my age....

Yeah dude. Keep your insecurities and worries to yourself. And while you're at it, keep MY name out your mouth.

That is all.

Peace and love,
The Retrospect

What about your friends? Part I- Steel Sharpens Steel

As I've gotten older, my circle of friends has become narrower. I attribute this to three things: growth, movement and revelations. I have dozens of aquaintances the country and world over... but really only a few people I call friend-- I'd say the circle is about 10 people deep. No more. No less. The reasons I call them friend are different and multitudinous, but there are a few basic characteristics that they all have in common.

Steel Sharpens Steel
Spiritual/Emotional Intelligence
and Quirkiness.

Today I will talk about the first,



Steel sharpens Steel:
You ever see those commercials for knives that can cut through anything and always stay sharp? That is a lie. They eventually go dull, if they are not sharpened. Ever seen a REAL chef cook? They have knives that may cost hundreds, even thousands of dollars, and they keep those suckers sharp... on steel rods and sharpeners. I have one in my house. There is a reason steel is so good at this. Most quality cooking knives are made of tempered steel. And can only be sharpened PROPERLY by tempered steel. The same concept applies to people

My friends are the same way. Their steel sharpens my steel, and vice versa. Each of them has a quality that I admire and aspire to in myself. Whether is passion, clarity, focus, health consciousness, temperment... there are things that any person who is keen on personal evolution has identified in themselves that needs work, and they seek the company of folk who got it down. Not co-incidentally, 'keen on personal evolution' types are also people who have something going on that is an admirable quality. So it goes both ways.

Par example: my friend K. is a gym rat. She is super health conscious, but still struggles with her own body image issues. She was the one that got me really thinking about my health and being proactive about it. We are work out buddies, foodie buddies and life buddies. On the flip, she admires my flair for the fashionable and being able to dress my body flatteringly and embracing (okay, not really, but adequately accepting) my flaws as beautiful with room for improvement. Steel sharpening Steel.

The converse of this is people who are something other than Steel trying to get down with your Steel. Either they are too sharp (rocks) or too soft (tin foil). These relationships are troublesome. Its not to say they are not nice or good people, that they are not good in general... but they may not be good FOR YOU. If you are serious about who you give that special label "friend" to, then you definitely think about these things... almost unconsciously. And if you are friends with them, these friendships are almost organically shed. You grow apart and lead different lives. Its natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

Tin foil people do you no good. You cut through them. They are too soft for you, and moreover, they may try to wrap themselves and their issues around you, thereby reducing your shine and trying to mimic your shape. Its not that you are perfect and they are not worthy. But consider this... you have issues, so do they. But they may not be ready, willing or able to deal with their issues on the level that you are, want, or need to be. Thus, they can become a drag. Ever have a friend that when they call, you stare at the caller ID and conemplate picking up? Not because you are busy or otherwise engaged, but because you KNOW they are going to have some kind of issue to dump all over you... and they want a quick bail out. Its usually the SAME issue or some close variation each time. This kind of friend is going to reduce your shine and sharpness.

Par example: I had a girlfriend in HS that I loved to death. I was new in town and she was the first friend I made. But, as we got older, our lives diverged. We were both in the honors track in HS, so she was not dumb. But she had daddy issues (her father passed and she had NO upstanding male role models... save MY father) and a mother who was physically unable to supervise her teenage daughter. As a result she had a string of loser men, who did everything from give her an STD to pimp her out to their friends to cheat with her on their wives. This all culminated in her getting pregnant and having a child by a man with 10 other kids by 4 baby mamas. She inadvertently tried to make her issues my issues by 1) trying to get me caught up with her foolishness in HS, 2) disappearing when she knew she had done wrong and I would come down on her for it and 3) me being a 'financial father' to her child because the real daddy wasn't doing jack-- I mean down to I put my job and reputation on the line to make sure they were taken care of.

She was bringing down my stock, and the older I got, the more I realized it and pulled away from her. She is a good person and a sweet girl, but her issues or rather, her lack of ability to own them and make progressive insightful decsions about changing them, made me think twice about calling her to chat or picking up the phone when she called me... because she might dump on me again. TIN FOIL. Sometimes, dealing with her made me feel and behave like our next group of people... ROCKS.

Think about what words come to mind when you hear the word 'rock'. Abraisive, rough, jagged, cuts, hard, heavy... These people, by their very being and essence chip away at your being and essence. Steel knives can be chipped, broken or even smashed by rock. These types of friends are not necessarily bad people, but they do carry themselves as if they're better than YOU. They like to pontificate and make declarations from their pedestal, while ignoring their own short comings. They have many knicknames... holy rollers, hypocrites, snobs, elitists. Each time they speak to you or present you with an issue, they make a declaration about how messed up you or your situation is, and add that they would a) never let themselves get in said situation or b) how their solution to said situation is better than yours. If they know your buttons, they might just smash your spirit to bits.

Last example: I had a friend who I loved, but I could never be open with her about my issues, and I didn't even really like being around her. She seemed so 'perfect'. She was pretty, popular, smart and entertaining. I have always struggled with my body issues and I was a nerd and painfully shy in HS. She would say things like "Well you have a pretty face, but you're too big-boned (her fave euphemism for fat) for guys to be interested" or "You are really smart, but you need to get out more." Her compliments were always backhanded and I never really talked to her about serious things. She never knew deep secrets about me because I was afraid of her judgement. If i spoke to her today, she would be FLOORED to know that I am happily married, that my husband thinks I am the sexiest thing walking the earth, that I am "the life o' the party" and give people gigglefits. Her desire to self evolve was non- existent, because she thought she had been blessed by perfection. Had I had a stronger will in those days, I would have told her to go take a long walk off a short pier, after telling her about herself... but I was lonely, shy and longed for friends. So I figured that kind of a friend was all I was worth. Not. A. Good. Look.

Continue with me in my journey exploring the characteristics of FRIENDS--Stay tuned for parts II and III of this series... as well as the belated continuation of the Relationship Crypt as well as more random funny shyt...

I'm waxing reflective and so should you, from time to time.

Peace and love...

The Retrospect

Last 2 Weeks in 90 Seconds

Well, it should take you about 90 seconds to read this....

Eagles making it to the NFC Championship Game by whuppin the midgets-- GOOD
Being contacted by ex of 5 years past to see if I'm still single/ unwed-- WEIRD
Finding the PERFECT green dress for mom's Sorority's Charity Ball-- GOOD
Realizing I'm going to freeze in said dress--BAD
Refusing to return said dress because I look BANGIN' in it-- TYPICAL
Finding awesome new make-up that doesn't look like make up-- ACCOMPLISHED
Mom's 60th Birthday on the Moshulu-- AWESOME
Being in 12 meetings in 5 days-- ANNOYING
Making a new friend and sharing a drink with them on a freezing Friday night-- VERY COOL (literally)
Having a long weekend--REFRESHING
Being contacted by ex of 4 years to try and get back with me--WEIRD/FUNNY/SAD
Questioning irreversible decsions-- REFLECTIVE
Eagles losing to the Arizona Cardinals-- PAINFUL
Getting several lovely blog shout outs-- NEAT!
Seeing the first child-of-an -African-immigrant-American become President of the United States of America--STIRRING BEYOND WORDS, INSPIRATIONAL, AMAZING, AFFIRMING, ENERGIZING, JOYFUL

The Rules of Fandom as written by the Philadelphia Negro

Anyone who knows me knows my ass bleeds green. I am an Eagles fan until the day I push up daisies. My fellow blog friend The Philadelphia Negro posted the end-all, be-all dang near BIBILICAL Rules of Sports Fandom

Learn them. Know them. Follow them. And ye shall be rewarded with a championship.... (hey, it worked for the Phillies, didn't it?)

So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I am truly enamored by this post because I have friends that VIOLATE these RULES CONSTANTLY. One of them happens to be my best friend. Self-proclaimed Philly girl who loves the Midgets and the Cowgirls and hates the Eagles. Don't worry, she has many other redeeming qualities... but on Sundays we don't like each other much. Especially if its a divison game.

I resolve....

Hey there good peoples.

So we all know today is the last day of two-double odd-eight. As we arrive on the cusp of the beginnning our 2009th trip since the Death of Christ, around our yellow hydrogen- into- helium- converting- massive center of the Solar System, so comes the tradition of commitments to change/growth/self-discovery and evolution that will accompany each indivdual on the next 365.25 day journey.

The good part about New Year's Resolutions we are human. We are idealistic and hopeful. We tend to take a look inward and examine the things we want to do to improve upon ourselves and hopefully the world in which we live. The bad part about them is that... we are human. We suck at committing to anything, but especially change. That makes us cynical, self-esteem destroying nutcases.

I have come to the point where typical resolutions just don't 'do it' for me anymore. Getting healthy, loving more, learning something new, traveling more or whatever, shouldn't have to wait until New Year's Day before on resolves to make it happen. As the old skool Nike commercials said... JUST DO IT.

So, what is the point of all my preachy-ness above? Where is the funny, you ask? Well, in lieu of regular-ass resolutions, I have made up some new ones that I think people will appreciate.

1. I resolve to never wear matching socks for the rest of 2009. Matching socks was soooo 2008. Mismatching socks is what's hot for the '09! I'mma give myself bonus points if they are visible and horribly mismatched. Think the argyle trouser sock and the stripped trouser sock with flats.

2. I am going to create another nickname for myself. Something random and stupid. Hayle, if Benoncay can call herself Sasha Fierce, then I can call myself something just as moronic. I'm thinking Boomquisha Flyness, Esq.

3. I'm going to start naming more inanimate objects. My car is already Niobi. My ipod, Imelda Marcos II. I think Imma call my couch Mooshie. Maybe I'll name all my shoes (dang, that might take me till 2010)!!!

4. Two words. Pig Latin. I'm-ay esurrecting-ray at-thay.

5. In the languages department, there will be MORE YODA SPEAK. Gone, you thought it was. With a vengance, return it will.

6. I resolve to keep a bottle of liquor in my desk. As the Boy Scouts said... "Always be prepared." I intend to be prepared to get it crunk at all times.

7. In order to survive long ass boring ass meetings, I am going to up my "face making" skills. I intend on attempting to crack up at least one person per meeting.

Seven is my lucky number, so I will stop here.

Have a safe, happy and healthy new year. Be careful and thoughtful in your libations this evening. And for the love of all things good on the Earth, if you have been drinking, PLEASE don't drive.

Peace and love,

Me.

The Grand Finale: The Roast of the Cadillac Records

Aight.... 2008 is almost over and 2009 is nearly upon us. So I feel like I better finish this daggone roast. Before it becomes irrelevant (maybe it has??)


Diddy..... WHAT THE FU*K ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Oh that's right. Being Diddy. Which means 'doing too much' is your natural state of being. Was everybody at this thing confused as to what season it was and WHERE this event was? Not only that, but you must have been confused as to the time of day as well. I mean, ginormous dark sunglasses at night!?!? Is your life so damn sparkly bright that you gotta wear shades? Reminds me of that song:

"I wear my sunglasses at night so I can **mumbles** something, something/ I wear my sunglasses at night [duh nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nuh ]..... DON'T MESS AROUND WITH THE MAN IN SHADES, OH NO! OH NO!!!"

Alas for you... doing to much=ASSAULT ON MY EYES. Sat DOWN Diddy.

Mama Tina... Mama Tina...
*sigh*
I know you done birthed some babies and lived some life and your figure ain't exactly what is used to be (but its still tight... i give credit where it is due). But DANG IT, you could have done SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!!. Maybe you didn't want to steal the spotlight from your darling baby (who seems quite adept at keeping her spotlight well focused on herself anyway) which would explain why you look so.... desperately dowdy. I mean, you are the mama of one of the most self- proclaimingest- diva- wannabes on the face of the Earth. You are the co-conspirator, I mean creator, behind House of Damnitswrong ooops, I MEAN Dereon. Sorry. You would THINK your outfit would, um... not look like something I wore to work last week. I mean seriously, I own a dress that looks strikingly simliar to this one... and I wear it to WORK. At the health department. yeeeeahhh.

Not only do I wear it to work, but, dare I say it, I wear it BETTER THAN YOU. Wanna know why? Two words... PROPER SHAPEWEAR. Oh yeah... and something else addressed below*

I have just a couple of teeny tiny questions for you, Mama Tina.

1) Why do your boobs look like they are running away from your collar bone? Seriously, looking like they are making a break for the border... between your navel and your girlie parts. My mama is about to turn 60, and her boobs are perkier looking than yours. As a 'fashion' designer, you of all people should know a good bra is a busty girl's BEST FRIEND.

*2) I gotta give you credit... the rest of your figure is RIGHT. But I'm looking at you and it looks like you are having trouble breathing. That dress is tight, huh? A little too tight perhaps? No disrespect, but you ain't her sister, you are her mama. Dress accordingly. Thanks.

For all of the above.... EPIC FAIL.

Mos Def(initely NOT!!!)

This pic was smaller than the others, but I want you all to look and see if you see what it is that I see when I see this SADNESS here. (that was fun)

Is it just me or does my boy Mos Def look like he got caught in a rain storm of "Aw Hayle NAW!". He's trying to be dapper but ends up looking like a well dressed homeless guy. What is going on wit that hat??? Did he get caught in the rain? Were you trying to rakishly tip it to one side? Either way... nuh uh.... LOSE THE HAT. Next up is that topcoat with what looks like a Manchester Prep crest on it.... Yo Mos, you borrowed your nephew's private school uniform... right? That has to be the explanation for this mess right here! I mean you seriously didn't BUY that coat, DID YOU?!?!?!?! And as for the bow tie.... JUST STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. But then again... Talib was always the better dressed out of BlackStar, wasn't he? Yep, thought so.

One more... this isn't a fashion roast so much as EVIDENCE for the fact that Neyo just needs to hurry up and come on out of that stuffy musty dusty ass closet.

What in the TANGY ZESTY SWEET 'N FRUITY HELL is that handshake all about? Made even zestier by the schmedium jeans, skully and AGAIN, with the SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT. Guess he didn't want Jigga man to catch him checking out his package....

This concludes the roast of the Cadillac Records Movie Premier. Hope you didn't choke on your Cap'n Crunch while giggling. If you did, be aware that you can't sue me. I ain't got no money no kinda way.

Random Aside: Sometimes I can Rock the Mic

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know I got blog series' to be finishin n sh*t, but THIS RIGHT HERE was so golden, I decided to drop it on my own blog too. This was a comment left by me on "Hey, You Asked!" run by the lovely Pretty Brown Girl.

I spits hot FIYAH!!!

**In the style of Public Service Announcement by that eight figga ni**a Jigga**

Allow me to reintroduce myself...My name is B.. B M to the O see/
I reside in the State of New Jersey/
For me blogging is that crack, you see me/
I also dip my quill on that poetry.
Biostatistics is my day job/
but I wish I was stackin paper off of my straight fiyah blog!
Chronicles of a LostWomanchild, holla at me/
I'll keep you rollin offa blackgirl insanity.
Self proclaimed fashion and shoe addict/
I love roasting those dressing like they got a drug habit/ UH!
Happily married is my night gig/
we do the damn thing but we still ain't got kids!

**Drops the mic**

Blog Roast: The Cadillac Records Premier: Part 2

Now that you have been teased and titillated by part one, it is time for the roast to ensue. The Movie Premier that was one big fashion "What in the SAM HILL?!"

I just wanted to remind y'all how WRONG Bey's dress is.
Do you see this? It looks like a Hefty Bag stretched over her goodies... with a cape. And then the bottom... what is going one exactly? Is that House of Damnitswrong embroidery/sequins on it?

Oooh lawd!


Next victim: Adrien Brody

What exactly is going on with Adrien Brody?? Why does he look like a bootleg dirty replica of the typical image of my Lord and Saviour? Why?!?! Couldn't (wouldn't) see a barber, Brody? Just because you got money you can look like an ant farm is taking up residence in your facial hair?! I think not. EPIC FAIL.



Cedric the Entertainer

Homie, why are you doin too much? You looking good man. You dropped some weight... but also lost your damn SAT DOWN sense. What is with the scarf? Tied thickly around your (no)neck? Wasn't this premiere in LA? Since when is a scarf needed in LA... ever? Oh I get it, you listened to that song about the guys waving their designer scarves all over the place in the ultimate show of bitchassness. I know you ain't no high fashion dude, but seriously, this is ASSAULT on my eyes. SAT DOWN.

Gabby Union

You know, I think Gabrielle is one of the most beautiful women on Earth. And generally speaking, she dresses well. But seriously WTF Gabby??!?! You fucked up not once, but TWICE?! Da hell? Did you give your stylist a fruit cake for Christmas? Run over her dog with your car? Tell her her breath smelled like head cheese? Because these faux pas are payback for SOMETHING. First of all, did they run out of clear gel deodorant at your local drug store? I can send you some mama. Seriously.
Next the dress... where do I begin. Where are her breasts?. Just lookin like a 12 year old girl. It would be otherwise hot if it was cut correctly, but it aint. So its wrong. Just WRONG.


Toccara, I am MAD at you mama. For a number of reasons, least of all being your outfit.
First, you made us thick girls proud by going on ANTM and wrecking shop as a plus sized model. Then you go and get all.. non plus sized... except for your boobs. Looks like you walking around with two basketballs stuck on your chest. STOP IT.

The dress... HAWT MESS! Too many textures and details going on. Is it sheer layered over satin? Is it lace? Is it a bubble dress? Is it a babydoll? Is it form fitting? Is it loose flowing? WAITAMINUTE... its ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!
**BBMo's eyes are twitching from the pain of assault**

But I could get past the dress if it wasn't for.... YOUR ASHY LEGS PANTYHOSE! Never heard of fleshtone hose?
Girl, it looks like you are ALLERGIC to LOTION. Naw mama. And then... you wear pantyhose with open toed t-strap sandals... and are those your TOES poking out? Oh, and your HAIR. I'm a fan of big hair but you really do look like you got a head full of curly fries. I'mma stop now because I just don't have the energy to expend on your wrongness, Lady. Lawdamussy!


That's all for right now... stay tuned for part 3... the finale of this fashion travesty, the Cadillac Records Premier Roast

Blog Roast: The Cadillac Records Movie Premier-- Part 1

Ladies and gentlements. With the help of my gloriously beautiful guest blogger 8th Wonder, we hereby present the roast of *duh duh nah da!* The Cadillac Records Movie Premier.


Good lawd, you would THINK that with all the money these people have, they could have done better. And OH, how they NEEDED to DO BETTER.


**note, we are not Bey haters. Not by any stretch of the imagination. We just HATE poor fashion choices. And also, no one else will be spared our wrath. (So all you Beyonce stans can just stop it right now. Just stop. No really, I mean it. Don't make me get my belt.) **





Just a li'l teaser based off of the FIRST pic...


BBMo: oh, i just got the pictures of the cadillac records premier... they WILL be roasted on my blog, post haste.

8th Wonder: oh, this I must be a part of

BBMo: lemme forward them to you. comment and send your comments back to me. i'll incorporate them as a guest blog feature

8th Wonder: okay, just off the strength of Jigga's hair, I know I'ma have some thangs to say

BBMo: I'm tellin you!!! I was roasting involuntarily when i saw them the first time. why wasn't his hair combed? and why does he look like Bey's drunken uncle escorting her to the prom?

8th Wonder: okay what kind of pleather monstrosity is Bey's dress made of? Damn you mama Tina, damn you to creole hell!

BBMo: i thought it was more like she took a hefty bag and stretched it over the goodies i mean mean really. just SHINY PLASTIC ALL OVER THE BOOBS... and had the nerve to have a train

8th Wonder: a train of epic sadness *sigh* and this is honestly the first time I've seen her and Hov together and been like WOW, he's way older than her

BBMo: i know! he almost looks older than her daddy. but seriously, he didn't have time to get a haircut? or is he tryina rock a TWA (teeny weeny afro)?



Go now and get you some Depends. And a paper bag. You gon' need it.

Aw Dang! I've been Tagged

I was tagged by the Queen Bee



The rules are as follows:


Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.


Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.


Tag 7 random people at the end your post, and include links to their blogs.


Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven Random Facts About the Rebel Intellectual

1. You can't see it in my pic, but I have one 'normal' shaped ear and one 'elfin' shaped ear that was a result of an accident as a child.

2. I have 63 (at last count) 1st and 2nd cousins and I have yet to meet my entire family (aunts, uncles, living grandparents).

3. My mom at nothing but black licorice when she was pregnant with me... consequently the smell of licorice of any kind makes me hurl. Twizzlers are scary @ me.

4. I am almost legally blind in one eye

5. I love olive oil and eat it regularly and use it as a moisturizer, but for some reason, I'm allergic to OLIVES themselves.

6. The movie Gremlins scared the crap out of me when I was little and still creeps me out big time as an adult, yet I can watch most other scary movies and just sniff at them.

7. I can't come up with a seventh random fact. Other than I'm just a random ass individual.


I'm going to break a rule here and NOT tag 7 other people. I know. I suck. So sue me.