Video Review: Blame It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYc875zkDxg

Jaime Foxx is my homeboy. Really. I love his arrogant ass to pieces (though I would never hang out with him. His ego would suffocate me.)

I just got done listening to his two most recent offerings to Top 40 and Urban Radio... Blame It and Just Like Me.

Both these songs are ignant as hell... but who said that all music had to be deep? People say this is a recent phenomenon of the industry being about product and profit, not the music... but Brickhouse is one of my favorite songs and it talks about a woman's measurements. It doesn't mean that it hasn't gotten worse with time, but not all music is meant to be soul piercing. Sometimes you just wanna have a funky good time. (Aside: I think the industry has gotten more about promoting pretty faces that can't carry a tune worth a damn-- but that's just me.)

Which brings me to the vid for 'Blame It'. First off... I like this song. I know music snobs, including my own mate, will give me the stinkeye for this statement... but I don't care. The beat cranks and when it comes on in the car, I turn it up.

But that doens't mean I don't recognize it for being ignant and slightly insulting... I mean "I was unaware how fine you was before my buzz set in?" The f*ck? I'm supposed to be flattered you needed beer goggles to find me cute?? Ummmm... NEXT.

But I digress... the video. That is what I came here to speak on. And speak on it I shall.

First off... this video is directed by Hype Williams. Hype.Williams. Dang, this niglet is still around? Wasn't his heyday like... 14 years ago??? I knew it was a Hype Williams vid before I even saw the credits? Know how? Homie was a wanna-be features director who specialized in "big willies in the club" and "who's who of hip hop" vids. In this vid, he combined to two and to it to the NEXT F*CKING LEVEL.

Now this isn't entirely Hype's fault. I blame Jamie. He decided to one up the 'who's who of hip hop' concept.... WELCOME TO THE WHO'S WHO OF "A-LIST HOLLYWOOD" or "OSCAR WINNERS' NIGHT OUT". Just parading his Hollywood homies all up in his music video *smdh*

The Cast (I sh*t you not):

Jake Gyllenhaal- Jakes appearance perplexed and vexed me a little. I mean, there were other's thatALL THE WAY MORE don't belong but Jake just looked like his boys lied to him about the kind of club they were going to. He looks like he was expecting "Hip" and got "Hood". That's not to say he didn't look good. He's a 2520 who could GET IT! (Aside: All the 'attractive' genes were spent on him. Maggie is a great actress but... )

Forest Whitaker- WHY IS HE IN THIS VID??!?! Just lookin' like a father looking for his wayward daughter at the club. I look at him and see the Last King of Scotland and the Great Debators all at the same time. Just NO. Take your Oscars and Golden Globes back to the house and sat the f*ck down. Your baby girl is at the house, getting ready for her debutante ball. She ain't at the hood spot. Go home.

Ron Howard- Remember that Sesame Street segment "One of these things just doesn't belong?" His appearance elicited the strongest "WHAT.THE.F*CK" I have ever uttered when watching a video. The wispy thinning strawberry blonde locks stretched across his non existent super receded hair line coupled with the "whack-ass pedophile sexy" look..... **shivers** He just looked all kinds of ot of place! I mean really... RON F*CKING "OPIE TAYLOR" HOWARD in a JAMIE FOXX VIDEO. Just WRONG.

Sameuel L. Jackson- This man truly is the hardest working man in Hollywood. I mean, he's doing music videos now. Gotta get that paper and earn that cheese, right? I must say, he looked the least out of place... which is scary @ me because he's old enough to be my GRANDPA. Oh well Sammie Jack... do you.

These cats just get the "You so GOTDAYUM TIRED. Sit the F*ck Down and Shut the F*ck Up" Award

Bill Bellamy- Homie, you done had the same hair for 20 years... take a look at the "man in the mirror." Maybe its time to "Make that Change"... its gonna feel real good... Shelmore! *MJ crotch grab*

Morris Chestnut-- rockin the Bald look...um... yeah, your sexy quotient is -210 after this. You don't got the head shape or face for it. Just NO.

Quincy Jones--really Grandpa? You breathe new life into the "Old Dude at the Club" joke. Eff your legendary status. YOU ARE A GREAT GRANDPA.

Cedric the Entertainer- Just STOP IT.

Bit Players

Pop 'n Lock Girl-- she looks like she's someone on the production team's baby sister who can pop it and lock it. They decided to let her be up in the vid. Whippin that pony tail weave extra hard. They LEAST they could have done for her is give her a decent weave and a cute top. I mean really... compared to the rest of the girls in the vid... she looks like a dude.... in drag. Po' thang. (you get a good face shot of her at the end of the video-- I AM MAD AT THE PRODUCERS FOR HER).

T-Pain-- It was your dumbass idea for Jamie to use Auto Tune, wasn't it? You ridin his actual singing talent like a rodeo by making it so that folk can't tell when you are 'singing' and when Jamie is singing. Because see... Jamie Foxx can actually sing. Yeah, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE WITH THAT SH*T. Oh yea.... and YOU ARE NOT SEXY. So please stop the 'oral sex simulations' with your scary ass grill. And shotgunning Nuvo on the dancefloor= Wack Ass Ninja. Stop that sh*t... yesterday! Please and thank you.

Miscellaneous Offenses

The Giant Dancing Panda-- This vexxed me Jamie. I was just all kind of vexxed wit this.
Jamie, what the F*CK you been smoking dawg? Where can I get some? Because seriously, what would a giant dancing panda be doing in even the most random of clubs? That head must have been hot as Hades because you were workin it in that panda head. But.... why??

Red Light Special--Why was everything red? I mean... the whole video looked like it was "that time of the month." Do you know how many faces red lighting is flattering on? Not a one. Because even the 'cute' girls were kinda lookin... "eh", in that lighting. Particularly if they were dark skinned, like your 'love interest' (and Imma get to her in a second). I feel like this "red" thing was Hype's attempt at a "concept lighting scheme". Ummm.. Hype? That wasn't avant garde... it was PAINFUL.

Sunglasses In the Club-- Why must you perpetuate this sh*t like it is okay? It is NOT OKAY. Why are u (and everybody else) wearing sunglasses at night ((enter Cory Hart's song))? You can't see nothin. Look... Ray was a great movie but its like the Sopranos. Its OVER! Get a new show!

Big Willi-isms, Girl on Girl Action and Bottle Poppin in VIP--Really? We are STILL doing this? Fa real? Nothin else to show off about how cool it is to be in VIP....... **sad face**

Your 'Love' Interest-- I suppose I'm supposed to give you Kudos for choosing a dark sista to be your 'love' interest over some racially ambiguous chick. But I see it for what it is... PANDERING. Maybe you do really love the dark sistas... and she was pretty (though that is up for debate given the layers of cake on her face and horse hair on her head). But still, given the lyrics "I was unaware how fine you was before my buzz set in".... yeah... f*ck you.
*doesn't she look like two COMPLETELY different girls here?*

So.... did I miss anything?

House of 'Damn Its Wrong" Strikes Again

**before I get started, all you Bey fans Go.Sat.Down. I am not a Bey hater... just a hater of her wrong ass fashion choices.**

Aight... I didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. I don't have cable and I was actually spending a nice evening with my in-laws and my neices and nephews.... NOT WATCHING THE AWARDS.

I didn't even get a glimpse at the Red Carpet Parade or as I like to call it, the ODE TO EGRIGIOUSLY OVER-THE-TOP FASHION SHOW... I mean seriously, the amount of jewels and dresses on that carpet could have collectively fed 3 small countires for a year. Seriously... we are in a recession folks.

But I digress.

I still love fashion and caught my breath at some of the lovely frocks I saw on my favorite starlets. In particular, I thought Teraji P. Henson looked positively GLOIROUS. As did Alicia Keys, Kate Winslet, Queen Latifah, Marisa Tomei and many others.

But then came Beyonce... in this black and gold NIGHTMARE!

Okay. I understand and give props that Bey has an amazing figure. She obviously works hard to stay in shape. Much respect. But tell me WHY must your dress be so tight? It looks like if you eat ONE shrimp, the seams on that sucker are going to be poppin like Orville Redenbacher's. And while I gave her props for her figure, don't be fooled folks. I'm not. I can SEE the lines of the corset that his whittling her waist to wasp like proportions. And I hear she may employ "booty amplifying" shape wear as well. Hey, I knock NO ONE'S hustle. I have stock in SPANX.

My next point of issue has nothing to do with the dress so much as her presentation. Bey... sweetie? This is the OSCAR'S, not your latest video shoot. You do not need to be greased up thusly. Just SHINY. Wait.... I just realized something. She was prally greased up like to help her slide into that dress. That's the only way I can see that frock happening on ANYONE.

Now... for the most egrigeous of errors.... the gold leaf foiled multi-fabric, looks like some tacky curtains print. This dress looks like the couch at Dona Guiliano's house. For those of you who don't live in NJ, this is the ex-wife of a famous Mafia don. She is the epitome of tacky and would probably buy this dress off of Bey to transform it into some curtains**.

**this part is totally made up, but if it were real, trust, it would happen. this dress is just THAT tacky**

So who do we blame for this fashion horror....? Its a repeat offender folks. MAMA TINA!! That's right... Tina Knowles. Goodness, this woman and tacky are like Frick and Frack. They just GO TOGETHER.

That's right... this dress is House of Damnitswrong-er I mean Dereon Coture.

I am a lover of coture and have a couple of coture gowns. But you couldn't PAY me enough gold bullion to wear this sucker. Especially since the gold you would pay me with is already in the damn dress.

Bey, for this dress... and that HORRIBLE "Diva" video, you get the "SAT THE HELL DOWN AWARD."

Tina Knowles is on her way to getting the "Tackyness Lifetime Acheivement Award."

The Grand Finale: The Roast of the Cadillac Records

Aight.... 2008 is almost over and 2009 is nearly upon us. So I feel like I better finish this daggone roast. Before it becomes irrelevant (maybe it has??)


Diddy..... WHAT THE FU*K ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Oh that's right. Being Diddy. Which means 'doing too much' is your natural state of being. Was everybody at this thing confused as to what season it was and WHERE this event was? Not only that, but you must have been confused as to the time of day as well. I mean, ginormous dark sunglasses at night!?!? Is your life so damn sparkly bright that you gotta wear shades? Reminds me of that song:

"I wear my sunglasses at night so I can **mumbles** something, something/ I wear my sunglasses at night [duh nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nuh ]..... DON'T MESS AROUND WITH THE MAN IN SHADES, OH NO! OH NO!!!"

Alas for you... doing to much=ASSAULT ON MY EYES. Sat DOWN Diddy.

Mama Tina... Mama Tina...
*sigh*
I know you done birthed some babies and lived some life and your figure ain't exactly what is used to be (but its still tight... i give credit where it is due). But DANG IT, you could have done SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!!. Maybe you didn't want to steal the spotlight from your darling baby (who seems quite adept at keeping her spotlight well focused on herself anyway) which would explain why you look so.... desperately dowdy. I mean, you are the mama of one of the most self- proclaimingest- diva- wannabes on the face of the Earth. You are the co-conspirator, I mean creator, behind House of Damnitswrong ooops, I MEAN Dereon. Sorry. You would THINK your outfit would, um... not look like something I wore to work last week. I mean seriously, I own a dress that looks strikingly simliar to this one... and I wear it to WORK. At the health department. yeeeeahhh.

Not only do I wear it to work, but, dare I say it, I wear it BETTER THAN YOU. Wanna know why? Two words... PROPER SHAPEWEAR. Oh yeah... and something else addressed below*

I have just a couple of teeny tiny questions for you, Mama Tina.

1) Why do your boobs look like they are running away from your collar bone? Seriously, looking like they are making a break for the border... between your navel and your girlie parts. My mama is about to turn 60, and her boobs are perkier looking than yours. As a 'fashion' designer, you of all people should know a good bra is a busty girl's BEST FRIEND.

*2) I gotta give you credit... the rest of your figure is RIGHT. But I'm looking at you and it looks like you are having trouble breathing. That dress is tight, huh? A little too tight perhaps? No disrespect, but you ain't her sister, you are her mama. Dress accordingly. Thanks.

For all of the above.... EPIC FAIL.

Mos Def(initely NOT!!!)

This pic was smaller than the others, but I want you all to look and see if you see what it is that I see when I see this SADNESS here. (that was fun)

Is it just me or does my boy Mos Def look like he got caught in a rain storm of "Aw Hayle NAW!". He's trying to be dapper but ends up looking like a well dressed homeless guy. What is going on wit that hat??? Did he get caught in the rain? Were you trying to rakishly tip it to one side? Either way... nuh uh.... LOSE THE HAT. Next up is that topcoat with what looks like a Manchester Prep crest on it.... Yo Mos, you borrowed your nephew's private school uniform... right? That has to be the explanation for this mess right here! I mean you seriously didn't BUY that coat, DID YOU?!?!?!?! And as for the bow tie.... JUST STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. But then again... Talib was always the better dressed out of BlackStar, wasn't he? Yep, thought so.

One more... this isn't a fashion roast so much as EVIDENCE for the fact that Neyo just needs to hurry up and come on out of that stuffy musty dusty ass closet.

What in the TANGY ZESTY SWEET 'N FRUITY HELL is that handshake all about? Made even zestier by the schmedium jeans, skully and AGAIN, with the SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT. Guess he didn't want Jigga man to catch him checking out his package....

This concludes the roast of the Cadillac Records Movie Premier. Hope you didn't choke on your Cap'n Crunch while giggling. If you did, be aware that you can't sue me. I ain't got no money no kinda way.

Blog Roast: The Cadillac Records Premier: Part 2

Now that you have been teased and titillated by part one, it is time for the roast to ensue. The Movie Premier that was one big fashion "What in the SAM HILL?!"

I just wanted to remind y'all how WRONG Bey's dress is.
Do you see this? It looks like a Hefty Bag stretched over her goodies... with a cape. And then the bottom... what is going one exactly? Is that House of Damnitswrong embroidery/sequins on it?

Oooh lawd!


Next victim: Adrien Brody

What exactly is going on with Adrien Brody?? Why does he look like a bootleg dirty replica of the typical image of my Lord and Saviour? Why?!?! Couldn't (wouldn't) see a barber, Brody? Just because you got money you can look like an ant farm is taking up residence in your facial hair?! I think not. EPIC FAIL.



Cedric the Entertainer

Homie, why are you doin too much? You looking good man. You dropped some weight... but also lost your damn SAT DOWN sense. What is with the scarf? Tied thickly around your (no)neck? Wasn't this premiere in LA? Since when is a scarf needed in LA... ever? Oh I get it, you listened to that song about the guys waving their designer scarves all over the place in the ultimate show of bitchassness. I know you ain't no high fashion dude, but seriously, this is ASSAULT on my eyes. SAT DOWN.

Gabby Union

You know, I think Gabrielle is one of the most beautiful women on Earth. And generally speaking, she dresses well. But seriously WTF Gabby??!?! You fucked up not once, but TWICE?! Da hell? Did you give your stylist a fruit cake for Christmas? Run over her dog with your car? Tell her her breath smelled like head cheese? Because these faux pas are payback for SOMETHING. First of all, did they run out of clear gel deodorant at your local drug store? I can send you some mama. Seriously.
Next the dress... where do I begin. Where are her breasts?. Just lookin like a 12 year old girl. It would be otherwise hot if it was cut correctly, but it aint. So its wrong. Just WRONG.


Toccara, I am MAD at you mama. For a number of reasons, least of all being your outfit.
First, you made us thick girls proud by going on ANTM and wrecking shop as a plus sized model. Then you go and get all.. non plus sized... except for your boobs. Looks like you walking around with two basketballs stuck on your chest. STOP IT.

The dress... HAWT MESS! Too many textures and details going on. Is it sheer layered over satin? Is it lace? Is it a bubble dress? Is it a babydoll? Is it form fitting? Is it loose flowing? WAITAMINUTE... its ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!
**BBMo's eyes are twitching from the pain of assault**

But I could get past the dress if it wasn't for.... YOUR ASHY LEGS PANTYHOSE! Never heard of fleshtone hose?
Girl, it looks like you are ALLERGIC to LOTION. Naw mama. And then... you wear pantyhose with open toed t-strap sandals... and are those your TOES poking out? Oh, and your HAIR. I'm a fan of big hair but you really do look like you got a head full of curly fries. I'mma stop now because I just don't have the energy to expend on your wrongness, Lady. Lawdamussy!


That's all for right now... stay tuned for part 3... the finale of this fashion travesty, the Cadillac Records Premier Roast

Blog Roast: The Cadillac Records Movie Premier-- Part 1

Ladies and gentlements. With the help of my gloriously beautiful guest blogger 8th Wonder, we hereby present the roast of *duh duh nah da!* The Cadillac Records Movie Premier.


Good lawd, you would THINK that with all the money these people have, they could have done better. And OH, how they NEEDED to DO BETTER.


**note, we are not Bey haters. Not by any stretch of the imagination. We just HATE poor fashion choices. And also, no one else will be spared our wrath. (So all you Beyonce stans can just stop it right now. Just stop. No really, I mean it. Don't make me get my belt.) **





Just a li'l teaser based off of the FIRST pic...


BBMo: oh, i just got the pictures of the cadillac records premier... they WILL be roasted on my blog, post haste.

8th Wonder: oh, this I must be a part of

BBMo: lemme forward them to you. comment and send your comments back to me. i'll incorporate them as a guest blog feature

8th Wonder: okay, just off the strength of Jigga's hair, I know I'ma have some thangs to say

BBMo: I'm tellin you!!! I was roasting involuntarily when i saw them the first time. why wasn't his hair combed? and why does he look like Bey's drunken uncle escorting her to the prom?

8th Wonder: okay what kind of pleather monstrosity is Bey's dress made of? Damn you mama Tina, damn you to creole hell!

BBMo: i thought it was more like she took a hefty bag and stretched it over the goodies i mean mean really. just SHINY PLASTIC ALL OVER THE BOOBS... and had the nerve to have a train

8th Wonder: a train of epic sadness *sigh* and this is honestly the first time I've seen her and Hov together and been like WOW, he's way older than her

BBMo: i know! he almost looks older than her daddy. but seriously, he didn't have time to get a haircut? or is he tryina rock a TWA (teeny weeny afro)?



Go now and get you some Depends. And a paper bag. You gon' need it.